The Mobil Kids

Dodge The Pig Semen

2011-11-16T22:16:00.004-07:00

Years ago when my brother and I were younglings on the farm we had to make our own fun between milking the chickens and other chores. Yes boys will be boys ...and we were always testing each others fortitude with silly farm games. Why I remember there was one game that we used to play called 'Dodge the Pig Semen'. We'd go into the pig pen and tie a pig up and then we'd both crouch under the pigs curly wiener and stroke it off together (I'd usually massage his balls with my free hand ...just because) ...it was kind of a like game of chicken and the first one to pull his face away for fear of getting pig jizz all over his face lost. And let me tell you ...I never lost a game of 'Dodge the Pig Semen'. But I always tried to talk him into playing 'Orally Pleasuring the Pig While Your Brother Cornholes It' but he'd never go for it. Too bad ...I just wanted both of us to be winners in the pig pen I suppose.

JT's Tribute To The Fine Arse

2011-11-09T18:09:00.004-07:00

I don't know what's so appealing about a fine arse. Sure they look good for some reason ...but when it all boils down to it those fine ass cheeks are nothing but a gatekeeper to a puckered cornhole that spews out brown fecal magma on a daily basis. And then you have to think that years ago that this young strumpet was a baby -her parents were wiping her soft young butt with baby wipes and putting on new diapers ...it makes me wonder if they knew at that time that she would grow up to be a luscious strumpet who would show her blower off all over the Internet for dirty old men to whack off to. Personally I like Granny ass myself ...it always makes me think of delicious cottage cheese...

Elmo Kitties Misadventure Stuck Under A Building Ass-Out Getting Cornholed By A Lusty Lynx

2011-11-08T20:35:00.005-07:00

Good news! After being missing for almost a week BN's kitty Elmo showed up the other night at Mobil Amurex. From what I can gather he went missing over a week ago ...sounds like he managed to pull his gaping maw away from his food bowl and dragged his lumbering 29 lb ass out the door and just disappeared. Almost everybody had poor Elmo written off for dead ...a few years ago our beloved 'lil Mo Beattie went missing in a similar fashion but at least he had the common courtesy to leave behind some bloody fur and brain tissue. And then the other night Elmo came back from whatever misadventure he went on albeit a little bit thinner and somewhat aloof and sullen. BN figures that he got his corpulent body stuck under a building somewhere ass out and had his exposed cornhole worked over by lusty forest animals until he lost enough weight to free himself ...a likely story. Sounds like Elmo has been spending the last few days staring out the window pensively as if he's trying to rub away some horrible memories and find his happy place. Poor Elmo ...let the healing begin...

Welcome To My Library!

2011-11-05T16:15:00.003-07:00

There's something I like about Professors. You know like when you watch a movie about some sort of duo that finds an ancient artifact and they're being chased by these shady characters that want the artifact except the good guys who have the artifact don't know why the bad guys want the artifact but they just know that the artifact is important ...so they always eventually end up going to a grey haired professor with this extensive library of old leather bound books who gets excited when he see's the artifact and then he immediately runs to this old book and opens it up to some old picture with ancient scribblings and says something like "Here it is! The fabled Copper Dildo of Caesar ...I thought it was only a legend! Powerful this is ...if inserted into Ron Jeremy's ass during a full moon it will open a portal to Hell..." Yeah that guy's cool ...I want to be that guy.

With that in mind I've created a home library that I've been finishing in rich oak with wonderful bookshelves full of character with the idea of becoming a professor sort of character who wears a smoking jacket and ascot and who smokes a pipe and who knows everything about something. So given the fact that I only know everything about porn I'm kind of limited here. I figure my best bet is to stock my library with all sorts of ancient and valuable porn texts (from the 70's and 80's mostly ...maybe some rare 60's editions) and go balls first into this endeavor so to speak.

Of course I don't anticipate saving the world necessarily but it'd be nice to be a guest on a PBS documentary or something all dressed up in my smoking jacket and ascot smoking a pipe saying things like "...well the first photographic evidence of dry-fisting in modern culture appears in the August 23rd, 1983 edition of the Dutch magazine 'Das Beefen'. As you can see there are 2 young girls each willingly accepting the dry fist of a rather hairy older gentleman with gold chains, both smiling like school children on their way to a candy store. Of particular note is the goat in the background, perhaps foretelling of things to come...". Sounds like a winning idea if I do say so myself. Perhaps tonight I'll start work on my paper examining the dichotomy between the Frothy Creampie and the Pearl Necklace...

The Bieber Chronicles

2011-11-04T17:21:00.010-07:00

Some startling news in the last few days! Seems like a young girl has come forward saying that she was impregnated by Bieber semen and had a Bieber baby. Unlikely I say, clearly a case of mistaken identity ...and I'll tell you why -I am in fact the father of the alleged Bieber Baby! It was last October ...the 25th to be exact. I took a few days off and told everyone that I had to go perform community service for exposing myself on a playground ...a likely story but wholly untrue. Instead I hopped on a plane and flew to LA to catch the Bieber show at the Staples Center ... I'll admit it, I'm a closet Bieber fan ... but he's just so damned talented.

The concert was amazing -after a rousing encore the show ended and I felt a bony hand grab my ballsac from behind ..."Are you Justin Beebo?" I heard someone ask. I turned around to see a girl ..she was clearly high and seemed somewhat well worn, my first impression was that her vagina had been used more than Google. "Why yes ...yes I am" I replied -it's a common mistake to be honest ...damn this boyish grin of mine I suppose. Minutes later we were in a secluded washroom and she was working my 2.7 inch dong with her willing mouth. "Why don't you massage my cornhole with that ET-esque middle finger of yours while you're at it?" I asked. She complied ..."Whooooo-woooooooooooo!!!" I replied. Before I knew it I was humping her over a trash bin overflowing with dirty wet paper towels ...and less than a minute later she was getting a solid injection of creamy Vitamin J between her flesh curtains -In my defense however I kind of thought that years of alcoholism and pcp abuse had made me sterile and immune to STD's...

Afterwards she asked me for an autograph so I grabbed a pen and signed her forehead -"Thanks for the great night dummy ...I'm not Justin Bieber ...Duh!". I guess she couldn't read the backwards writing in a mirror because yesterday I saw her face posted all over the Internet saying that she's having JB's baby! Oh well ...such is life. Just wanted to clear the air here...

Secretary Please Make A Note: JT Was Escorted Out Of Council Chambers By Security At 8:12pm...

2011-10-26T19:49:00.004-07:00

Big night tonight ...I had to go down to the town council meeting to make a few motions regarding some big business! I was a little apprehensive at first but after I settled in it wasn't too bad at all. First order of business: I proposed Buttplug Day ...everybody brings out their favourite buttplug (March 21st I figure) and there's a festival and a dance later that night all celebrating the glorious buttplug and the coming of spring. The council was a bit speechless so I went into my Jack Nicolson 'A Few Good Men' speech ..."You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!" and stood up and slammed my fists on the table! One of the council members asked "What truth?" So I sat down and said "...well that a well lubricated buttplug in the ass can be quite pleasurable of course." Motion denied... After that it all went downhill and all my motions were shot down. I guess we don't have a progressive council that condones legalizing public masturbation, stoning, burkas or getting rid of that ugly bear sculpture in favour of a giant floppy bronze uncircumcised penis (the kids could use it as a play slide too mind you). Things will change next election when I become mayor that's all I'll say...

I Give This Movie 5 Rock Hard Nips Out Of 5

2011-10-25T19:35:00.003-07:00

I watched a foreign movie with subtitles the other night ...and I must say it was excellent! Definitely one of the best movies I've seen in a long time, but the best part about it was there was this babe running around with these incredibly perky ta-ta's in a little white t-shirt with these impossibly hard nips ...for the whole movie! Amazing ...just amazing. I'm not sure how she managed it, to be honest I was starting to think she had prosthetic nips because I don't see how she could maintain perpetually hard baby-suckers in every single scene. But she did it ...based on that alone I think she should be nominated for an Oscar. And the funny thing is that the movie was from Spain which as far as I know is a very warm country ...which makes her nipple performance that much more incredible. Not since Tom Hanks in Forest Gump have I been so moved ....except this time I was kind of moved to touch myself...

I'm Blowing The Lid Off The Whole Thing!

2011-10-24T18:52:00.007-07:00

Ok I wanted to take the high road but I suppose I'm going to have to blow the lid off this whole thing ...the Chili Cook-Off that is. To make a long story short team Chili Vanilli was in contravention of no less than 3 ...count ém 3 ...violations of the Chili-Cook Off Charter! I submit this:

Rule 5, Subsection 4 States: No team shall use coercion or manipulative tactics to sway voters. I won't say much here, but it was a sad sight watching all those poor guys swill back the septic chili BN and JA were slinging knowing their jobs were on the line if they didn't vote for them ...for the most part many off them put on a brave face and smiled while they choked it down, probably thinking about their kids starving if Daddy lost his job. It was a sad day for democracy indeed...

Rule 9, Subsection 17 States: The Chili shall be made from scratch. The addition of canned Stagg Chili is prohibitively banned. There was a clear contravention of this rule last Thursday. I could almost hear the tears of Lady Liberty hitting the ground while the electric can opener hummed against the lid of the Stagg Chili over at Chili Vanilli's cooking station ...Oh the humanity!

Rule 13, Subsection 5 States: The Chili must be prepared according to the Health laws of Canada. Proper hygiene must be adhered to. It's not like we live in 3rd world country with no running water, where we get our drinking water from the same pool where the cattle bathe and crap in. Nonetheless I saw BN scratch his nuts numerous times while he was preparing his chili ...and he saw me see him do it! And this wasn't just a quick scratch-rub on the outside of his pants, this was a full digging for gold down the gonch and letting it linger for a few seconds kind of scratch! It was sad sight watching a grown man massage hamburger with one hand and massage his gooch with the other ...a sad sight indeed.

JT Saves Christmas ...Again

2011-10-22T21:28:00.003-07:00

I won't go into too much detail here but I save Christmas tonight ...again. As you might remember, last year I convinced Santa that Christmas was worth saving. He was ready to give up on it all ...but after a long talk he told me he'd give it another try if I lent him 5 bucks and gave him a hand job in an alley behind the City Center Mall. It's funny that I'd meet Santa on a street corner by the City Center Mall but I've come to believe in small miracles! Little known fact here: Santa smells like rye whiskey and feces...

Anyway, needless to say I performed another heroic deed tonight -one that didn't involve Santa shooting his Christmassy goo on my forearm but heroic nonetheless. So all the shitty little kids will get their crappy little gifts this Christmas because of JT and none of them will give a shit. Who gets f**ked? -JT gets f**ked ...metaphorically speaking of course. Unless I see Santa again at the City Center Mall this December ...that horny bastard might just raise the ante to save Christmas this year...

The Legend Of The Dick Rambone

2011-10-22T21:05:00.005-07:00

As a child I used to hear tales of a giant dildo, as big as an anaconda and able to make even the most seasoned bar slut whimper in fear at the mere mention of it's name ...the Dick Rambone. Legend has it that the Dick Rambone would come out at night and wrap itself around naughty children like a Boa constrictor, squeezing the life out of them ...as I got older I realized it was just a story my mom would tell me to get me to behave at bedtime, so I chalked it up to being a mythical beast much like a Unicorn or the G-Spot. But I was wrong... I saw it. I touched it. It exists ...and it's only $55.95. Hell come to think of it, it's pretty common ...why any idiot can buy one off the Internet after a lazy Google search! Hmmmm ...I wonder why my Mom was always telling me stories about the Dick Rambone at bedtime? Seems like it pre-occupied her thoughts quite a bit, I must say...

Let There Be Blood...

2011-10-19T19:52:00.004-07:00

Long story short ...big chili cook off at work tomorrow, 4 teams, 1 winner. BN seems to have some misplaced trust in his team "The Chillage People: Featuring Chili Vanilli!" -I know, I know ...it's kind of a gay name for a team but he really pushed hard for it. Anyway I won't do any pre-mature trash talking ...I'll just take the high road and let it be settled on the field of battle tomorrow afternoon. An interesting fact about chili though -it's one of the few foods that look just as good going into you body as it does coming out, yet it has a much more pleasing aroma going into your body than it does coming out of your body. Just something to think about the morning after...

The Tide Is High ...And it's Going Up!

2011-10-17T18:27:00.010-07:00

I want to be delicate here ...my ex-sister in law did a famous rock star a few months ago. I guess she went to a concert all slutted up standing in the front row and the next thing she knew she was up in his hotel room getting banged by his uncircumcised dong. I guess it was a magical experience that she dreamed about since she was a little girl. How do I know? -Well being the vindictive sort she called up my brother to rub his face in it afterwards ...he called me later, we had a laugh about the mentally ill together ...it was kind of fun. To be honest I never thought that I would ever know someone who had famous jizz sprayed all over their back ...but this little world just keeps on amazing me.

But this whole thing got me thinking ...if I had a chance to sleep with a old rock star who was old enough to be my mother who would it be? Easy! ...Debbie Harry from Blondie!! I don't know how old she is, I don't know what she looks like now and I'm not even 100% sure that she's alive ...but I have enough hot images of her stored up in this little frontal cortex of mine to get me through anything in any event. And I'd be so proud! I'd show up to work (...maybe on a Monday morning after ploughing Debbie) and someone would ask me what I did on the weekend? "Oh not much..." I would reply "...I just totally banged Blondie on the weekend!" And they'd respond "Blondie? Isn't she like 65 years old?" And I'd answer back "Maybe ...I don't know I didn't ask for a birth certificate! All I know is I totally f**ked Blondie and you DIDN'T and it was awesome!!! However, now that you mention it there was a strong scent of Vagasil present..."

And the more I think of it I think this really is an awesome idea! Why as I remember Blondie was performing nearby just this last summer not too far away. Surely they'll be around again. I'll get front row tickets to the show ...I'll sex things up and wear my extra small (autographed mind you) Prism t-shirt and put on my sexy face during the show. The plan is bulletproof ...who could resist? Naturally when the magical time comes I'll be careful not break her hip while I ram her with my 6 centimeter penis ....Yeaaaaah! The old folks would probably know that better as a 2.5 inch penis though...

JT Makes A Delicous Cranberry Raisin Pie ...Then Turns To The Greasy Darkside

2011-10-16T19:19:00.004-07:00

I have to admit I was feeling a little homey today -I got up, made some beef jerky, ground some roadkill, made some chili, made some homemade sausage, made some pastry and made a pie ...a cranberry raisin pie! I thought what the f**k? -I have all these crappy cranberries I picked and I don't know what the Hell to do with them ...why not make a pie? Why you could make a pie out of aborted fetuses and it would taste good ...of course those crunchy bones would hamper the culinary experience, but you get the idea. So being a curious sort of person I did a little research on cranberries. Everybody knows cranberries are supposed to be good for you and keep a clean pee-stick and such things. Here's a quote I found:

"Cranberries contain many phytochemicals that are biologically active like proanthocyanidins, quinic acid, hippuric acid, tannins, Vitamin C, pterostilbene, and other antioxidants."

Sure, sure that's all very nice and sounds very good, but I'm not sure what the frig it all means. And then I read further into the article:

"Eating cranberries and drinking cranberry juice is generally considered safe and without the risk of major side effects. However, cranberries have a laxative effect and excessive ingestion can cause diarrhea."

Uh oh ...that's kind of unfortunate. Normally I wouldn't worry too much but earlier tonight I took a piece down to BN and he's just starting to recover from what has come to be known as the 'Ugandan Goat Incident' ...a painful occurrence which resulted in him making toilet gravy for 3 days straight. I would just hate for him not to show up for work tomorrow and then have someone go to his house to check on him only to find a terrible scene -BN dead on the toilet, the walls explosively covered with feces and only one last message scrawled in his own excrement ..."Help me!" I'd feel kind of bad if not a little responsible. But I promise I'll write a wonderful eulogy for the funeral to make up for it...

JT Reviews Two Movies

2011-10-15T19:45:00.009-07:00

Last week I had the honour of watching 2 summer blockbusters ...I believe one was called 'Harry Potter: The Goblet of Jizz' and the other 'Transformers: The Dark Side of the Brownstar' ...or some such thing. Overall not bad movies ...but I'll start with Harry Potter first:

Review 1: What can I say about the Harry Potter franchise? ...not much as this is the only movie in the series that I've ever seen. But I thought it was a good effort cinematically. There was one fairly hot girl in the movie as I remember ...I believe her name was Hermaphrodite? Nice blower ...but the director sorely misused many chances to show off her teenage cleavage which left my magic wand semi-hard and wanting more. There were many scenes begging for the hot teenage female wizard getting double donged by Ron and a mystical elf but for some reason this was omitted. Overall a weak story but I still found myself touching myself in a bathroom stall at the cheap theater afterwards. 2.5 stars out of 5.

Review 2: Oh Transformers. I remember a few years ago watching the first movie on my couch and rubbing one out while watching Megan Fox's nubile young body. And then I heard that she wasn't going to be in the third one! I was a bit skeptical but after watching the 3rd scene of the movie where they have this new strumpet walk up a set of stairs in her panties I felt the overwhelming urge to stick my tongue in her tender ass ...over and over again! Also there were magical transforming robots who were fighting about something ...but every so often there's be a shot of her luscious cleave that would make the limp trouser snake in my pants transform into a Megatron! Unfortunately she had this weird thing going on where her upper lip was bigger than her lower lip making her face look like a strangely hot baboons ass (and then the talking ...why couldn't she have been a mute?") but overall I found myself transforming my unsoiled couch into a semen stained mess! 4 stars out of 5.

I'm A Whore, You're A Whore ...We're All Consumer Whores!

2011-10-15T18:25:00.003-07:00

My what a nice little day today was. Me and BN and JA spent the day shopping and I must say ...we spread out wings a bit. Sure lets go to the Dollar store! ...sounds like fun! And they have mysterious decade old canned goods from Zanzibar called Mr. Gouda for 50 cents a piece? -Sure let's buy a f**k load! Why there's Mr. Gouda canned coconut milk, Mr. Gouda canned sardines, Mr. Gouda pregnancy tests, Mr. Gouda condoms, Mr. Gouda canned plankton, Mr. Gouda canned dog shit ...I could just go on and on. I guess you know that you've hot rock bottom when you come home and find yourself stocking your pantry with goods not suitable for consumption in the 3rd world...

But I think JA is my new shopping mentor ...able to sniff out a deal like a bloodhound sniffing out a raccoon in a shithouse. I don't know why they were selling shirts for 1 dollar at Walmart but all I know is that I needed 20 of them ...some of them appeared to have jizz stains but that will all wash out fine with the Mr. Gouda detergent I bought for 25 cents. But not only that, I also walked away with so many life lessons and a new philosophical view on life ...like: "F**k ém! If they're stupid enough to get killed in an Earthquake they deserve to die." or "Why the f**k do they call it Canadian Tire when they never have the f**king tires you want?" Kind of makes you think. All in all a rich day...

I Smell Sex And Candy

2011-10-14T17:32:00.004-07:00

You know, I've watched a few Twilight movies and I must say I'm a huge fan ...but there's a few things that I've never understood. Well ...Edward is blood loving vampire who's in love with Bella who's a human -so what happens when she's menstruating? Does he have an uncontrollable urge to mow on her vag: (Bella) "No, no Edward this isn't a good time ...please stop ...STOP!" (Edward) "C'mon baby, I'm cool with it ...just let daddy have a little sugar ...C'mon!"

But I'm not so naive to believe in vampires -that would be stupid ...like believing there's a magic man in the sky who's listening to all the inane pap you communicate to him through prayers. Yes very silly! But I do know that Halloween is coming up and it's one of the few socially acceptable excuses girls have to dress up like skanky sluts! Sure, sure it's fine when you go out to the bar and you're ogling girls who are over 18 who are hanging their jugs and gooches out while shaking their supple asses on the dance floor. It's another thing when 15 year old girls on the cusp of womanhood show up at your door on Halloween night holding out bags asking for candy with their abnormally developed teen bosoms blowing out of little vampire costumes!

And then the next day you have to go to work and tell her dad that you work with that his daughter stopped by for trick or treating the night before ...but you don't tell him that you went to the bathroom afterwards for an inordinately long time while you rubbed one out over the sink thinking about her luscious vanilla forbidden jugs while your pesty girlfriend keeps asking you why you're in there for so long! Technically it's not illegal but I thought I should just put it out there for everyone to chew on...

Good Days ...Good Days

2011-10-14T17:03:00.006-07:00

Boy what a day today was. I won't go into too much detail but I did a few things today that I'm not too proud of ...let's just say after it was all said and done my face looked like a glazed doughnut and I ended up sobbing uncontrollably for hours. And that's all I'm going to say about that...

But at any rate after I got myself together and washed up my right index finger (blowjob with a well lubricated finger in the ass ...sure way to the top) I ended up looking through some old notes I had from a few years back when AF lived with me. It was just some poetic scribblings from the good old days when we were care and fancy free. I guess taking a load of baby batter on the face and scrapping my knees up made me look at them in a different light. Here's a little jitty from those happy days:

I rub my wang in my roommates face,
in his bedroom ...it's such a nice place!
I violate his butt with him in a slumber,
and feel no need to wear but a rubber
Soon on his back my tadpoles are sent,
but such is the price when he's late on the rent
But he does not squirm or not even seether,
for he has just had a mouthful of ether

Oh my. I kind of feel a bit like crying right now! And I would ...but I think my tear ducts are clogged with crusty jizz from the facial frosting I got earlier today...

My Velcro Shoes Could Take Me Anywhere!

2011-10-13T19:14:00.008-07:00

I guess I'm a little bit of a fashion trailblazer her in the Hills. Why for the last couple of years I've taken to wearing velcro shoes ...but not the cheap, crappy kind. More like the cool $15 ones from Walmart that all the kids want. And boy are they nice ...and comfortable! I never really thought about it until tonight when I went for my regular stalker walk around town (looking through windows, running from angry boyfriends ...great cardio) and I put on my new velcros that I got from the 'Mart last weekend. I actually had a few people stop me along the way to admire my bright white new shoes ...some people actually thought they were special Nikes. Nope ...just $15 velcro shoes from Walmart, but a common mistake...

Anyway a couple weeks ago I was assessing my ensemble ...something was clearly missing. And then it struck me ...a calculator watch of course! So I went on Ebay and I found the gem pictured above. But this is no mere plain calculator watch, it also has a remote control. So I bid on it and 15 hours and 10 dollars later some fine fellow in Singapore was shipping it to me! Unfortunately it hasn't arrived yet but I'm holding out hope that it'll arrive tomorrow just in time for me to be styling for the weekend.

And as a side note: I'm currently in a bidding war for some authentic 80's rainbow suspenders on Ebay with some dickhead from Arkansas ...7 bucks and still going strong. I shouldn't reveal this but I'll go as high as 11 dollars and then I'm going to strongly consider folding. It may sound crazy but that's the price you pay for high fashion...

Death By Mud Babies....

2011-10-10T19:59:00.003-07:00

I write this with a very heavy heart ...our good friend and acquaintance BN is knocking on deaths door. To make a long story short BN went to a Ugandan wedding this past weekend and ate some bad goat ...from what I can gather from the doctors and nurses at his hospital (...a very fine hospital) he's been shitting himself non-stop for 3 days. Sounds like they have him in an induced coma so there's little suffering ...and a crack medical team is attending to his anus 24 hours a day but as of this hour they have not contained the non-stop stream of feces. As of the last report a half digested goat eyeball came out so the physicians are hopeful that there won't be too much more, but they tell me if he comes out alive he won't be able to poop straight again and he'll be making explosive mud babies for the rest of his life ...not since AF will the Mobil Amurex toilet be punished so horribly. Maybe we should all pray for a sweet, quiet death...

JT's Thanksgiving Pornocopia

2011-10-07T22:20:00.020-07:00

Boy what a swell night tonight was! ...went to the Whitecourt and did a little shopping and ass raped the Casino for 453 dollars! On the drive down I was a little bored and lo and behold I came up with a poem in the 'ol noggin ...maybe it's all this Canadian Thanksgiving cheer but I was feeling kind of creative tonight!

FRIDAY NIGHT AT JT'S
On Friday night I can't be seen,
because I stay inside with Vaseline.
I lube up things large or small,
and insert them gently, beneath my balls.
Then some times ...I lose control,
and over-stretch my tight bumhole.
So I go to the Clinic where I'm quite famous,
and a doctor treats my prolapsed anus.

I hope everybody has a Happy Thanksgiving! ...free of prolapsed anuses and the dreaded ass tulip. Naturally I can't guarantee the same for myself but such is life...

Cranberries Gone Wild!

2011-10-06T16:47:00.003-07:00

Oh goodness I've been feeling so earthy lately. The last couple of weeks I've out in the woods fending off lusty ass-sodomizing grizzly bears to pick luscious wild cranberries ...and I got a buttload! So with Thanksgiving coming up this weekend I've been making and canning my own cranberry sauce and giving them away to all my closest friends and warmest acquaintances ...so basically hardly anyone. Naturally I was kind of drunk when I made it and I'm kind of sure that there's a fistful of pubes in one or two jars ...but that just comes with the territory when you accept canned goods from a drunk who likes to shave his junk while he's cooking. But speaking of berries it wasn't just two months ago in August that I was out picking blueberries under the warming glow of the Mobil Amurex flarestack when I got a bright idea ...why not bring my love of my two most favourite things in the world (blueberries and booze) and make some blueberry wine? Why not indeed? So long story short I have some ungodly concoction sitting in my kitchen bubbling away with blueberries and what I'm pretty sure is dead gerbils floating on top ...to be honest I'm not very good at this winemaking thing. At any rate it should be done by Christmas and ready for bottling and consumption by any brave soul who dares ...hopefully nobody shits their pants and dies. Mmmmm ...fermented gerbil...

I'll Be Fine

2011-09-15T17:44:00.003-07:00

Yes it's true ...I damaged Big Ben (my right bicep ...the left, Westminster Abbey...) in a freak pushup accident. But don't worry, it'll be fine ...I went to a doctor and everything. The funny thing is that the doctor didn't even look at Big Ben ...just gave me a finger in the ol' colon ring and massaged my testicles and prostate for an inordinately long amount of time. That's the last time I go to a doctor at a gay Chinese massage parlor, I tell you what...

But I digress. Two days ago I took the most wonderful crap at work ...it was so beautiful that I just wanted to take a picture of it so badly but professionalism won over (...photographing your own poop is not becoming I read) so I fought the urge! It was like an amazing brown triple helix, like some amazing bulbous alien DNA with little peanuts sticking out like little nucleobases! So in honour of that momentous poop session I decided to name all my bowel movements McCready's. Why? ...I don't know. I just think it'd be fun to tell people that I'm going to go take a greasy McCready now and then...

Tokyo Police Club - Bambi

2011-03-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

Tokyooooooo...

Meet William Willett

2011-03-13T16:17:00.008-07:00

We should all take a minute and get to know William Willett one of the greatest advocates ever for Daylight Savings Time and whom is in no way an urchin-chasing pedophile as previously reported on Wikipedia. He is also the great-great grandfather of the lead singer of Coldplay who is married to Gwenyth Paltrow who is incredibly hot, proving that Willett probably had some world class juice in his meat pipe to produce such talented offspring. And I still think Daylight Savings Time is a crock of shit...

Test Your Knowledge Of Royal Cleavage

2011-03-12T17:52:00.004-07:00

All this royal marriage talk about Lady Diana's kid and that kind of hot commoner he's been boning for the past 9 years got me thinking about other royals. So I did a little research and found out that some of them even have tits! Having said that I defy anyone to take my Royal Cleavage Challenge and match up the cleave to the corresponding leach on the ass of society. They are, in no particular order: (1) Princess Beatrice (2) Princess Madeleine (3) Zara Phillips (4) Princess Leia and (5) Princess Victoria. Attempt only if you dare...

Happy Birthday! Here's Your Shit Cake...

2011-03-11T23:46:00.004-07:00

I'm a big fan of the Cake Boss tv show. So when PC came to me and proposed that we make a birthday cake for DS I knew that we had to go big Cake Boss style. So we put our heads together and did a little brainstorming. We knew that the cake should either be penis based or feces based ...then we did some preliminary drawings and after some deliberation we decided on a feces based cake. Knowing that excrement was going to be our theme we got to work and came up with this gem ...a kitty litter cake. I would say that reactions at the birthday party varied from mild curiosity to violent disgust but I stand by our work...

JT's Anthology Of Randomness

2011-03-10T18:02:00.009-07:00

OK -I'll say it. Michelle Duggar is kind of hot. Maybe it's just that Mormonistic determinism and the fact the she's not afraid to treat her vagina like a clown car that gives her that special kind of sexiness ...I don't know. 3.5 out of 5 stars.

Spurred on by the success of my 'Dead Squirrel Musical Theatre' I am in fact writing a Broadway musical called 'The Mobil Kids: The Musical!'. Not to give too much away but there will be flipper midgets getting urinated on by homeless bums and a dance troupe consisting of performers with Ass Tulips. A rousing musical score accompanies as well...

Tits are quite nice indeed...

Midget tits are even nice too ...the model trains of the tit world...

And they made a movie based on the Little Red Riding Hood fairy tale ...what the Hell? Anyway, don't waste your time going to see this banal pap-smear of cinematic work hoping to catch a glimpse of Amanda Seyfrieds pendulous yum-yums. Instead rent the movie Chloe ...she gets naked and DOES everybody -like men, women, dogs, donkeys, Mexican migrants ...EVERYONE. 4.5 out of 5 stars.

JT's Redundant Consumer Whore Products That You Can't Live Without Extravaganza!: Segment 1

2011-03-09T12:22:00.006-07:00

There sure has been a bunch of women crapping out babies lately ...so being somewhat of an eavesdropper I've been hearing a lot of talk about the Baby Bullet. Naturally at first I thought it was some kind of munition. You know, something reserved for religious cults to shoot their babies with when the FBI storms the doors of their compound and before they detonate the explosives and propane tanks and whisk themselves off to the hereafter ...like a shell casing with giraffes and bunny rabbits painted on it. But that's just bad marketing ...why would you sell a bullet just for babies?

Nope ...the Baby Bullet is actually a really neat blender with a happy face painted on it. And it also comes with storage containers that you can mark the date on so you know how old the food is ...so when mommy goes on a crack binge and forgets to feed little Timmy for a week, disaster will be averted by the slick labelling system -You can't feed your crack baby moldy food, that's just wrong! Or you could just live by my motto: "If there ain't no spores, have some more!" It's served me reasonably well so far in my life ....aside from the great mayonnaise disaster of '04 when I accidentally crapped my pants. But that's a rich tale I'll reserve for a cold winters night to tell around a warm fire with a cup of coco...

TLC Can Lick My Nutsack

2011-03-07T23:38:00.006-07:00

Oh can you imagine?! ...it's been 9 long months and you and your significant other are on the way to the hospital to bring a new life into the world. You've spent the last several months painting and renovating the babies room and buying cribs and toys ...you've stocked up on diapers and baby clothes and spent countless hours every night thinking up unique baby names that will prove to all your friends that you have some modicum of creativity (...a sure sign of pompous doucherie) and you've finally settled on two names ...'Xavier Thermos' if it's a boy and 'Lilac Fallout' if it's a girl. But finally the big day arrives! Imagine your shock when the doctor hands you a wet, matted ball of fur ..."It's a mongoloid, congratulations sir you've spawned a mongoloid ...but it's boy so you can still use that snappy name you and your braindead wife thought up in that epic creative fervor."

Of course you consider your options: You could shave it! ...but the hair will just grow back and what would the neighbours think? Or maybe you could just toss it in a dumpster! (snappy name be damned) and nobody would be any worse for wear ...but no, people go to jail for that kind of stuff and your mom might see the damning headlines in the paper. After a while you compose yourself and come to the only logical solution ...you take the mongoloid baby home, you name it Xavier Thermos ...and you pitch a reality show to TLC! Of course those shitheads over at TLC will eat it up ...they love midgets and freaks and people that are too stupid to know when to stop breeding. Now if only Xavier Thermos was born with an anus on his forehead ...mongoloid midget with an anus on his forehead? ...I smell a new runaway hit.

A Sideboob Gala Challenge!

2011-03-07T23:17:00.003-07:00

Born on October 25, 1984 our celebrity sideboob was raised as a Christian by pastor parents ...now she hangs out her ample jugs for all to see and sings songs and married some dude who starred in 'Saving Sarah Marshall'. With her motorboatable ta-ta's this minx has skyrocketed up the charts and has been known to give me a brisk erection that spontaneously occurs when I think about her luscious mammaries. She also sang a song about my favourite kind of Chapstick ...which is incidentally the same scent as my signature anal lube. Who is this strumpet?

I'm On A Drug ...And It's Called Charlie Sheen!

2011-03-04T17:53:00.005-07:00

Well I think I have a new hero ...and his name is Charlie Sheen. Sure he's an epic partier who bangs porn stars and trashes hotel rooms ...but he also has wicked quotes. My favourite is from his interview on 20/20:

"Yeah I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body."

Ha ha ha ha ha!! ...ahhhhhhhh, he is awesome. Who cares if 'Two And A Half Men' comes back on? ...you can't put a price on entertainment like this...

Silversun Pickups - "Kissing Families"

2011-03-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

You don't hear this SSPU song too much ...but the whole band literally craps more talent than say a Justin Beiber or David Cassidy. And yes, there is the signature awesome scream at the end....

Me Big And Loser

2011-03-01T17:30:00.003-07:00

I have to say ...BN's days on top are numbered. Sure the Biggest Loser challenge at work is all about fun and feeling good -and I have to say I just LOVE the show too! ...watching all the chubby girls sweating on treadmills while trying to catch a glimpse of Jillian's cleave and then rubbing one out because of my uncontrollable imagination. But I feel my day on top of the Fat pile is coming soon. Every morning I get up and look at myself in the mirror and fall in love a bit more each day ...I feel like I want to cup that man's balls in my tender hands and caress his unruly bush like an old lady petting a cat and then churn his tender shaft until it makes creamy man-butter. Does pounding your man-meat count as cardio?

I'm Feeling Positively Gleeful!

2011-02-19T19:33:00.010-07:00

Boy I sure miss my blog! It's like an old girlfriend you haven't seen for ages ...then one day you're just walking down the street and run into her. Gosh it's been years since you've seen her! You chat for a while and decide to go to a nearby pub to catch up and reminisce about old times. She doesn't look that good ...her boobs are sagging a bit and you just know that her chootch has seen more traffic then Grand Central Station over the last few years but you kind of want to pork her to let her know that you've conquered that pre-mature ejaculation problem that was such a bone of contention in your relationship...

But she isn't interested in your sexual advances. She has a new boyfriend named Todd and it sounds like it's kind of serious ...he has a good job and is hung like a donkey which makes you feel bad because you're only packing 2.5 inches and to be honest you still squirt your baby batter after 30 seconds of intimacy. So when she gets up to use the bathroom you pop a few ruffies into her drink ...40 minutes latter you're helping her into a cab and checking into a seedy hotel knowing her judgement will be cloudy and memory hazy at best afterwards. Sure there will be some vaginal dryness but that's why you keep a packet of mustard in your back pocket for lubrication emergencies ...3 minutes later the magical encounter is over and you're wiping your mustard covered dong on the curtains and heading for the door. A fleeting moment in time but such is life...

The next thing you know you're standing in front of a judge getting sentenced to 5 years for aggravated sexual assault and reckless use of a condiment ...thankfully the jails are woefully over-crowded and you're released after only 6 months for good behaviour. The first thing you do is go downtown and dry-fist a crackwhore behind a dumpster ...then afterwards you go home and catch up on all those episodes of Glee you missed while you were in prison! You find yourself strangely aroused by Rachel parading around in those little school girl outfits and start rubbing one out on the couch ...however before you know it the gay kid comes on and starts crying and you challenge yourself to pop off some nut-butter while he's singing a song. Great success! You clean yourself up in your warm masturbatory afterglow and realize that you haven't updated your blog in ages. Ahhhhhhhhhh, really not too much to report here I guess...

Ahhhhhh ...The Elusive Fecal Spotted Terrier

2010-08-27T13:03:00.002-07:00

I just like to let my work speak for itself sometimes...

Bring Me Your Jugs, Bring Me Your Knockers ...Bring Me Your Mammary Mellons

2010-08-10T11:37:00.006-07:00

I was just reading today that a bus driver in Victoria was in trouble for asking a woman to cover up while she was breast feeding ...turns out she flung her teets out on the bus to make some baby juice and the driver thought maybe in the preservation of public decency he would ask her to put a blanky over her pendulous knockers. Naturally that was a bad move ...breast feeding is a most natural and beautiful act after all. Why if I was on that bus I might have even watched the whole act intently while pulling my rod out and stroking it (another most natural and beautiful act). So I wasn't at all shocked when I read that she plans to take the whole matter before a human rights tribunal -it should be a woman's God given right to nurse her baby wherever and however she pleases. And if she wants to do it in public without covering herself ...exposing her ample yet supple breast for all to see while I watch from a distance and then go home or behind a nearby bush and conjure images of her delicious exposed breast while I pleasure myself ...then that's her right! I hope for a day when enlightened society rules...

JT Ventures To The Edmonton Indy Once Again ...Walks Away With Only Blue Balls

2010-07-29T11:25:00.009-07:00

Day 1:
I meet up with my 'ol roomie AF on the racing grounds ...we laugh, we cry, we embrace ...then we go behind the port-o-potties and masturbate in plastic cups to see who can produce the most ejaculate, a competitive venture really. Damn AF! ...beaten out by 1 teaspoon again. After the exchange of pleasantries has passed we walk around the race grounds and come to the sad realization that car racing sucks balls. Enlisting the services of Bmo we drive to a nearby strip club and are somewhat mesmerized when a woman enters who looks suspiciously like Stiflers mom ...she offers up lapdances but we politely decline as we are gentlemen at heart and will not perpetuate the oppression of woman by participating in such misogynistic acts. Four hours and 18 beers later I feel my principles shift as we watch her worn ass parade by our table for the 100th time ...somehow we manage to negotiate $20 blowjobs and anal in the back alley before heading back to the Hotel. The next morning we are greeted by our old friend ...Shame. However this silly feeling quickly passes as we laugh about how she had to pleasure us to feed her children and how we jizzed in her hair after she specifically asked us not to, leaving her sobbing on her knees in the alley gathering up strewn change from the pavement. Ha ha ha ha ha, ahhhhhhhh...

Day 2:

I bid AF farewell with wishes that the lesions we acquired the night before do not become herpetic and head back to the Indy grounds to meet up with MW and BN. After 45 minutes of watching the races my suspicions are once again confirmed ...car racing does suck balls. Luckily supple teets abound on the race grounds ...I catch a glimpse of a tender ass in denim shorts and a pink shirt and decide to follow it. After careful analyzing I determine that the ass belongs to a 15 year old girl with well developed and delicious boobs hanging out of her shirt. Examination of her face tells me that she has likely blown every boy in her grade 9 class and her 45 year old step-uncle regularly cornholes her in the woods behind her house ...a face can tell you a lot if you just take the time to listen. I follow her to the port-o-potties ...'What is she doing' I wonder, 'Number 1 or number 2?...and if number 2 is it wet and greasy or firm and compact like a tiny O' Henry bar?' Within minutes she leaves the pottie ...I take my chance and enter after her. Clearly she has gone number 2 ...it smells like Brock Lesnar has taken a dump yet I get on my knees by the toilet and take breath after breath from the fragrant bowl imagining that I'm a little turd making my way thru her glorious digestive system getting sprayed by digestive enzymes like a child running thru a lawn sprinkler. I leave a little dizzy perhaps from all the methane I've inhaled and realize that my 15 year old princess is no where to be found. Compounded by "The Coupon Incident" which I will not mention due to the indignity I suffered, I leave the race grounds dejected. Oh if only I were Justin Beiber I would be doing so much teen f**king...

My Weekend With Watermelon Jacob

2010-07-20T08:40:00.010-07:00

Boy what a swell weekend it was! ...almost. I met up with none other than Watermelon Jacob from Twilight fame and things were going wonderfully ...he came over to my place and we hung out in the backyard, had a few drinks and just basked in the sun talking like a couple of school girls. I thought we were hitting it off swimmingly until PC came over -suddenly Watermelon Jacobs attitude took a stunning turn ...he was no longer attentive or engaging but seemed to be enamoured with PC. Well to make a long story short I went inside to get a drink and when I came out they were both gone. Incensed I hopped into my truck and drove angrily up to PCs' house where I saw Watermelon Jacob ready to whoor his ass off on the doorstep -the door opened and PC appeared in a skimpy, sexy bathrobe obviously ready to take Watermelon Jacob and work over his tender watermelon ass ...I could see the mix of shock, shame and betrayal as our eyes met ...and then they went upstairs. I was shattered ...but I do understand the power of lust and don't blame PC for wanting to make love to Jacobs sweet watermelon growler. And there's other watermelon celebrities in the ocean, I just know it to be true...

JT Becomes A Daddy ...Again

2010-06-03T18:11:00.002-07:00

I sure do love animals. Why it was almost a year ago when I got my little puppy Lily and how did I love her! ...and then she crapped on my carpet and I unceremoniously dropped her off on an Indian reserve kicking her ass out of my truck and driving off while she sat on the side of the road looking confused towards my departing truck while I sped down the highway. I'm sure she's doing fine but I try not to think about it too much...

But again something wonderful has happened! This morning DS brought a little teeny tiny kitty to work today ...as it turns out some A-hole dropped it off on her doorstep last night like a shit bomb on Halloween. Knowing that the Yipper is gone I decided that it would be a low-risk operation to take her home ...being a naturally caring and nurturing fellow I felt that her chances of ending up stir fried in a wok had dropped substantially. But I'm trying to not get too attached. At this point I only wake her every half hour and feed her formula through an eye dropper carefully warmed in a hot water bath to 19 degrees Celsius ...afterwards I rub her belly until she falls asleep while singing a lullaby (...Don't Stop Believing by Journey ...but softly) and then swaddle her on a pillow over a hot water bottle wrapped in a cotton towel. But I refuse to name her! Stupid kitten ...I just wish I'd never laid eyes on the insipid f**king creature! But I have to to run ...it's time for her feeding and she just won't sleep right if I don't rub her belly and sing to her afterwards...

Dear JT

2010-06-01T16:58:00.005-07:00

The other day I watched the movie Dear John ...incredible, just incredible. Some months ago I ceremoniously executed 'The Notebook' which was also based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks ...but being an open minded person I figured I should watch Dear John before passing judgement. And I must say ...it was fabulous! Earlier today I was reading that Elizabeth Taylor was selling letters she received from the love of her life Richard Burton ....so being inspired a little bit by the incredibly romantic letters in Dear John I decided to publish some of the letters I've received over the years from the loves of my life. Oh yes, there have been so many and I've loved them all so much. Please ...let me open up my soul to you:

October 13, 1999
Dear Mr. T: Under the Public Health Act of Canada (03/24/93) it is our duty to inform you that you may have had sexual contact with a person infected by transmittable diseases. We advise you to get tested in a timely manner for genital scabies, herpes and gonorhea-syphilis. In the future we also advise that you avoid unprotected anal sexual contact with "high risk" sex trade workers. Luckily however we able to extract your drivers license from the colon of an individual after she was found unconscious in a park and were able to contact you about said risks. Have a pleasant day.

-The Ministry of Public Health

June 14, 2002
Mista Jawson: Why I no hear from you? It been 6 month since you been in Thailand and I no hear from you no more. I have baby in belly now and need food moneys because I no more can work in factory because American company fire me for baby belly. You say you can squirt Happy Penis juice wherever you want and no baby happen because your spermies dead and no swin and I listen and now I have baby in belly! Mista Jawson I want monies for baby now and rice to feed baby or else I live on streets eating rat and drinking dirty water flowing down gutter and have to sell baby to Russian mens with gold rings. You send monies now Mista Jawson!

-Mingh Lo Mah

April 27, 2004
Deer jasunn: Hi. how are u doing? Why dont you come by group home no more? I likud when you givud me specul Kool aid that made me feel tirod but happi thun aftur everywon went to bed and u showed me burthmark on ball sac and rubbed in mye face and lauffed whun you made cream pooding on mye eye ball and wipped off wuth uuur undarware. Afturwurds I no see u. I like u to show me burthmark on ball sac again andu give me specul kool aid. I likke u! lots!!!

-Rebecca Tardison

August 17, 2007 (Text Message)
U dirty f**k! Stay away from from daughter. I was trying to be nice and invited u over 4 a housewarming and u tried to stick a cucumber in her ass!! Who does that?! U sick f**k stay away from me and my family & the next time I see u I'll try not to puke on ur face you filthy f**k!! Thanks 4 ruining the party u sick f**k asshole ...f**k u I hope U die

-Angry co-worker mother of hot 14 year daughter (with supple budding breasts ...in my defense) who invited me to house-warming

There Be Twins A Comin!

2010-05-27T18:44:00.007-07:00

Good news! ...I just heard tonight that RS and his wife are having twins. Needless to say I was happy to hear the good news as in my culture twins are a good omen ...their coming foretells of a good Jello harvest and much wrestling to be had in shallow kiddie pools at seedy bars. But not only that -I live only a few doors down and I hope to be a formative figure in the children's development ...probably coming to be known as Uncle J and imparting my vast life knowledge on the younglings. And maybe it's because my tadpoles don't swim -they're flaccid and lazy content to wallow in a sucrose and protein solution wagging their flagellum's pointlessly in their own excrement until they expire ...a chip off the old block -but I must say that I do find myself feeling a little paternal lately.

And I mean really ...who wouldn't want me around their children? -Sure maybe the "government" with all their silly "restraining orders" and the Thai police who might tackle me to the ground if I ever set foot in the Bangkok airport again. But as far as I know my backyard isn't in Thailand. Let's start a new chapter ...with the sounds of children's laughter in my backyard while they play and happily toss around helium filled blowup dolls and smash pinatas shaped like ethnics joyfully picking up the shotgun shells and candy that fall to the ground. Later we might roast tasty smores over a burning effigy of Keith Urban as the sun sets while I read a bedtime story from Mein Kampf. If I have my way the children will learn of the evil that is Keith Urban...

When There's Nothing Left To Burn You Have To Set Yourself On Fire

2010-05-26T14:28:00.003-07:00

Like I've said before ...I'm going to miss my little buddy the Yipper. So knowing the inevitable day is getting closer and closer we decided to send him off in fine fashion with a cake. SV baked and decorated the beautiful cake while I bought a miniature truck and gave it an authentic Yipping ...accurate right down to the body damage and the mouse-eating duck shattered windshield. Naturally he was awe-struck and speechless ...much like I was when he smashed my truck. Ooooh ...I feel the separation anxiety setting in...

The Mobil Kid Finds True Love! But She's Dumber Than A Stick In Mud...

2010-05-20T18:45:00.004-07:00

Ok I'll be the first to admit it -I thought that I'd live out the next 10 years of my life holding a marginal grip on the fine line between right and wrong being gainfully employed without any major indiscretions and be a productive member of society ...after that I was pretty sure I would snap and maybe get caught by the police along a road f**king a dead deer in the ass while wearing a mask made out of human skin. It just seemed to be in the cards...

But lucky for me I've met a nice girl who's bent on keeping me on the straight and narrow. Now I won't lie -I absolutely despise talking to her and being around her is insufferable ...but she cooks and cleans for me and the food is usually delicious and the house is spotless. And happily she doesn't talk too much but when she does a firm smack on the face seems to quiet her down ...she just takes it on the chin like a champ and starts vacuuming, sobbing quietly. Luckily I can turn up the volume on the TV and don't have to endure such feminine pap...

And another thing I love about her is that she isn't too smart ...not the sharpest knife in the drawer I must say. Why just last week I brought a couple of 14 year old teens over ...I told her "I'm babysitting, just keep vacuuming and shut up" while I took them to the bedroom and violated their supple teen asses only to have them leave hours later covered in jizz and limping from being Donkey Punched for hours on end. Afterwards I made her sleep on the lawn because the roast beef dinner she had prepared was a little salty and I detected some lumpiness in the gravy ....it's texture conflicted with the bouquet of my fine Bordeaux and ruined the whole night! I'm sure that any kind of simple cretin could have foreseen this disaster ...but I forgive. I forgive...

However the mashed potatoes were tolerable I must say, although she used Yukon Golds even though Russets would have been more appropriate for the occasion ...and I could clearly tell that the pepper had not been freshly ground but was days old. But a decent effort nonetheless. Not being a total jerk I took an old blanket out to her and patted her on the back saying "Good girl, good girl ...you did good, good girl!" Afterwards I went to the bathroom and brushed away the horrible taste of those potatoes with some Aquafresh. Oh how she tries my nerves...

I Was Watching Pulp Fiction Last Night And Started To Get Teary Eyed When They Brought Out The Gimp...

2010-05-19T16:24:00.003-07:00

Boy it was nice to see that my 'ol roomie commented on my blog yesterday. And I was just thinking ...it's been almost one whole year since he left me for greener pastures. I'll be the first to admit that I was surprised when he left ...my penis just seemed to fit in his mouth like a finger in an asshole and I thought naively that we'd be together forever. But he was like a beautiful wild bird longing to spread his wings and it was not right for me to cage him ...and it probably wasn't right for me beat and rape him so much or verbally abuse him or put PCP in his insulin or crap in a box and wrap it up nicely and give it to him for a birthday present or dress him up like the Gimp and chain him in the basement. But these things are all in the past and time heals all wounds so I'd like to say this: AF ...I forgive you for getting mad at me for dressing you up like the Gimp and chaining you up in the basement for a week. But you have to admit ...you were kind of a dick about the whole situation...

The Legacy Of The Mouse Eating Duck Comes To An End

2010-05-18T16:45:00.003-07:00

A sad chapter in my life is about to close ...the chapter of the Mouse Eating Duck. I won't go into too much detail here but I just wanted to say this ...I'm going to miss my little buddy the Yipper. Yes conversing with him can only be compared to getting a prostate exam with a wire brush and I've been on the verge of having a brain aneurysm many times from his thought provoking questions ...but one shouldn't get bogged down by such things. Let's just sit back and remember the good times: Ahhhhhhhhh ...mouse eating ducks and vehicular carnage peppered with thoughts of -'What the f**k is he asking'? Yes good times indeed...

Hi Ho, Hi Ho ...A Chopping We Will Go

2010-05-17T15:20:00.013-07:00

I've been noticing an interesting pattern lately ...Chinese peoples in China hacking down other Chinese peoples with meat cleavers! It seems in the last few weeks there's been rash of hackings in China with about 80 people injured and dozens killed all by the old meat cleaver ...oh those wacky Chinese! And this hits close to home for me. Over the weekend I got to attend the wedding of my 'lil buddy the Yipper ...and not just as any ordinary guest but as the Best Man! Naturally I was honoured for such a prestigous position at the wedding table but while I was giving my speech the whole event went sideways ...a Malay broke out and I ended getting chased down the street by hundreds of Chinese people wielding meat cleavers ready to make me into JT Goo Guy Pan! And I'm not sure why. I spent weeks carefully crafting my speech and thought it was quite masterful but something must have touched a nerve. Here's the speech anyways but I can't help thinking that the Chinese are a bit of a touchy people:

Hirrrrroooo peoplessss! Is everybody loving this evening long time like me? I have to say that dinner tonight was truly fabulous ...15 courses and I could hardly detect the cat or dog anus in any of the dishes. And I'm just happy and stunned to see that everybody arrived safely across town tonight ...I'm assuming you all took the bus and driving was kept to a bare minimum in the interest of public safety? But what a great looking crowd here tonight! ...just beautiful. There's something about young Asian girls that just drive me wild but they're harder to get into than a Justin Beiber concert ...needless to say I'd like to put my spring roll into some of the dipping sauce here tonight but I'll probably end up rubbing one out later tonight and making Cream Of Sum Yung Guy in my hotel room. Lucky for me though there's plenty of Asian whores walking the streets who'll slurp on my noodle and love me long tome for next to nothing -I suppose they're just happy to be in this country which is something you should all go home and think about tonight...

And speaking of Asian whores ...I'm reminded of a humorous anecdote that happened to me a few years ago! I was living in Cowtown at the time and feeling a bit randy one evening ...so having an extra $10 in my pocket I called up an Asian escort service and had them send over a hooker. Boy was I ever surprised when they sent over a 14 year old girl fresh off the boat. Not being able to speak a word of English and looking confused and desperate I stripped off her clothes only to put a funnel in her ass and pour in a whole bottle of oyster sauce and violate her tender sideways vagina ...afterwards I threw her onto the street without paying and threatening to call immigration services while she ran away crying. Later I walked down to MacDonalds and bought a Happy Meal with the $10 and left a big tip behind -true story ...I'm sure you people will appreciate my thrifty nature (...wait for applause). Ha ha ha ha, yes I know you'd all love that one. I'm also reminded of another time when I gave a Cleveland Steamer to an elderly disabled Chinese lady in a back alley... (speech interrupted by angry mob... JT runs for life).

Tonight I Ate The Ass Of Fate ...And It Tasted Like Kentucky Fried Chicken

2010-05-08T23:48:00.007-07:00

Tonight I feel like I've come full circle in my life ...and I truly believe that I'll be a better person from now on. Earlier I was at the Casino doing some gambling and watching the fights with my 'ol kronies ...I was playing some slots when a young lady came up and asked me for a cigarette. She was clearly drunk and judging by her withered frame, track-marks and trashy outfit I pegged her right away as a crack whore of some degree. Now the old JT would have taken her out to the parking lot under the pretense of getting some smokes from his truck and then soliciting her for a $10 blowjob and wistfully tricking her into cornholing her brownstar bare-back behind a shrubbery ...after pumping some baby batter into one orifice or another he'd rub her face in a mud puddle with the hopes that she'd have some sense of pride and not show her dirty semen stained face in public for the rest of the night. But that was the old JT...

But no. Instead I invited her into the parking lot and offered her the unusual sum of $50 to present her worn ass to me in the warmth of the backseat of my truck ...naturally I rode her bareback but fighting all urges I avoided her brownstar and withheld Donkey Punches. It was an experience I've never had before ...like making love. And even though she was crying from the shame of pleasuring a random stranger in a parking lot for money I knew that I had grown as a person ...for a crack whore is usually too distracted to cry with a meat-pipe in her colon and her face in a mud puddle and those tears sounded like tears of joy to me. Afterwards I gave her a crisp $50 bill and told her to run free! -And she did ...clenching a load of my ball butter between her thighs she ran from my truck to a waiting cab to go to her crack dealer. Perhaps it's just me becoming wiser and wiser ...but sometimes you don't have to cornhole a crack whore while you hold her head in a mud puddle.

JT Wants To Touch Every Girl He See's Inappropriately

2010-05-04T17:03:00.007-07:00

I don't know what it is. I like to think of myself as a decent God fearing man ...I'm a law abiding citizen and I even read the Bible one weekend while I was pacing my living room high on a Coke binge. But a Leopard cannot change it's spots ...I just want to touch every girl I see in a wrongly manner. And I want to be totally honest here. Most times when I'm talking to a girl they think I'm listening intently to their inane pap babble about decorating their homes or how they believe in Fairies ...but in reality I'm thinking about motorboating their jugs or eating chocolate pudding out of their asses and gagging their mouths with my socks and Donkey Punching them until they squeal like a pig.

And sure I like staring at pre-teen asses while they walk down the streets imagining how their supple cheeks would fit nicely over my forehead while my nose probes their tender brownstars ...who hasn't? But I've been finding lately that I have no boundaries. Why just the other day I was in line at Walmart and noticed an older lady purchasing some Vagasil -Dry itchy vagina I thought? ....there'd be no need for such frivolous purchases if I were knelt over her wrinkled naked body with my face nuzzled between her saggy bosom while she coaxed some youthful ball butter out of my erect member onto her worn flesh curtains with her arthritic hand. A good moisturizer if I do say myself and she could knit me some slippers afterwards while we watched re-runs of Matlock together in her assisted living apartment. But I do have my limits. I would only give those over 65 a firm "DONKEY SLAP!' as I know the perils of osteoporosis...

A Bullet Proof Plan Is A Bullet Proof Plan ...Just Make Sure Not To Let The Yipper Handle A Gun

2010-05-04T16:27:00.004-07:00

Things have gotten real bad off the coast of 'ol Louisiana ...oil's spewing everywhere, wildlife is threatened and it just looks plain ugly. Even president Obama is concerned ...and rightly so. The word down the pipeline is that he called in the Big Guns to cap off this disaster ...B 'The Frogman' N. In an exclusive phone interview I learned today that president Obama called BN earlier and now he's on his way to take care of this shitshow ...apparently word of BN's Acing of the BOP exam resonated all the way to the Whitehouse and BN being the patriate that he is will be putting a polish on this turd in due time. And there'll be no special equipment required ...just a pair of speedos, a snorkel and a f**kin crescent wrench. I have faith in BN -but I'm sure that he'll need a little assistance in this matter so I'm taking it upon myself to deploy an expert for technical help ...the Yipper. Sure -we'll rig up a headset so that he'll be in constant radio contact with BN while he pursues the underwater operation ..."Bwair, Bwair! Why oil floating on water?". Sure there may be a few obstacles to overcome but this well is on its last legs...

Avatard

2010-04-29T18:06:00.010-07:00

You know a few months ago I saw the movie Avatar and just loved it! A futuristic story about a planet inhabited by giant blue Smurfs whos' idyllic lifestyle is threatened by evil money hungry humans. Clearly the plot was stolen from the 1981 animated Smurfs movie where the evil Smurf-hungry Gargamel tried to destroy the Smurfs idyllic lifestyle ...but the effects were really cool! And strangely enough I found the giant blue Smurfette from Avatar strangely sexy making me want to Smurf her in the Smurf-hole over and over again. Not since the 1981 Smurf movie have I found a Smurf quite so attractive...

But I digress. Early this week I was heartened to hear that Avatar director James Cameron is taking a firm stance on the oilsands ...they're bad. Apparently he's going to hop on a plane and fly over them to develop a concrete opinion about this matter ...naturally we're all sure that the elegant strip mining operation will sway his opinion in favour of the oilsands but we'll all have to wait with bated breathe for the final verdict. But I was thinking today -Could there possibly be a better ambassador for the environment then a billionaire from Hollywood? ...no of course not. He'll just hop on his plane powered by hopes and dreams and glide over Alberta sipping honey nectar from a tulip bulb waving a magic wand and passing judgement. Oh how grand!

In the meantime 5000 barrels of oil a day will be spewing into the ocean off the coast of Louisiana heading towards the coastline. Now I'm no rocket scientist -the only reason I ever passed math in college was because I exchanged sexual favours for a passing mark with my professor ...final Grade: D+. But I did a little calculating today and discovered that making a blockbuster movie about giant blue Smurfs doesn't qualify you as environmental steward of the Earth ...ironically enough it makes you a latte sipping douche from Hollywood. And I've checked the calculations over and over again ...the math is irrefutable.

Being somewhat of a simpleton I have a suggestion though -Hey! why not try flying over the giant oil spill in Louisiana? It's pretty big, it's killed 11 people already and it's threatening hundreds and hundreds of miles of coastline positioning itself to be a monumental disaster ...surely James Cameron could fly over it and confirm to the world that yes, it is truly not very good. But let's not try to minimize the impact of the oilsands here ...over a year ago literally dozens of ducks were covered in oil when they landed in a tailing pond during a malfunction only to be rushed away in a private jet for rehabilitation. I write this in hopes that we'll never forget the incredible duck horror...

Leave It To Beiber!

2010-04-27T19:30:00.007-07:00

Oh God! I just had to post one more time today about my fave new singer in the world ...Justin Beiber! Sure being an older fellow with an enlarged prostate who enjoys sitting around in his bathrobe on weekends eating cereal and watching Teen Television may seem a bit creepy to some ...but it fits me like a well lubricated latex glove giving a prostate exam to a 16 year old boy. And why not? ...why can't I be a fan of a talented 16 year old boy with supple lips who just happens to have an incredible voice and amazing dance moves that show off his tender loins in an impressive fashion? I love good music and the Beiber is damn good music...

And as it turns out Justin is coming to Edmonton this summer and I already have my tickets ...front row! But there's so much to think about ...like what to wear? Being a very decisive man I've decided to wear my time tested beer and coffee stained 'wife beater' shirt with crusty sweat pants and 3 days growth on my face. I'll be holding up a HUGE sign that says 'I LOVE YOU JUSTIN!' piss drunk and high on ecstasy oogling the hot 14 year old ass all around while rocking out to his sweet tunes being sure not to cross the slim line between 'Adult Pedophile' and 'Disturbed Concert-Goer'. What can I say? If I feel the need to groove I have to groove...

JT Defends Vince The Slapchop Guy...

2010-04-27T17:44:00.007-07:00

I think I should get this out in the open. When you meet a girl in a nightclub and she agrees to pleasure you for $700 there is an understanding that you'll be placing your balls in her mouth later ...I think this goes without saying. Some time ago Vince 'Slapchop' Shlomi was in a nightclub in Miami hungering for some sweet poon so naturally he offered a girl $700 to slapchop her brownstar and wipe the jizz of her face with a Shamwow. They went back to his hotel room and started kissing ...but instead of going down and lapping his balls she bit his tongue and wouldn't let go! Being a righteous man Vince started giving her a righteous beating until she let go and ran away ...the cops were called and poor 'ol Vince was charged with assault. WTF?

Sure I like to pay crack whores $10 to Donkey Punch them in back alleys ...who doesn't really? But this is taking things a little too far. I remember a few years back I met a particularly feisty crack whore named Cherry Cola in Cowtown. Something about her just attracted her to me I must say ...perhaps it was her toothless grin or the birthmark on her face -but I just had to have her! After some haggling we agreed on the unusually high price of $14 for some back alley fun behind a nearby dumpster. Once behind the dumpster I pulled down my pants and she began working my knob enthusiastically with her toothless mouth ...all was going well until she bit down on my wang with her gums!

Naturally I started punching her in the nose until she broke free falling to the ground, convulsing and foaming from the mouth. Later I learned that she was experiencing what medical professionals call a 'SEIZURE' ...but at the time I was none the wiser and rolled her over and violated her worn cornhole to justify the $14 I had spent. I must say though ...those vigorous convulsions were worth at least $16 in retrospect. Anyway, I left Cherry Cola in the alley strewn over a bag of garbage with a colon full of baby batter bleeding through her nose. I've wondered many times what happened to that sweet girl after our magical night together...

When I Become Mayor...

2010-04-24T00:18:00.011-07:00

When I become mayor of this town there will be a few things that will have to change. For one thing the cocaine industry in this town is dismal ...in the 4 years since I've been here I've yet to see one f**king Coca plant or a goddamned Colombian harvesting it into sweet, sweet powder. Why 40 years ago Miami was just a shithole for tourists on their last legs ...but look at it now, skyscrapers and everything! I'm sure with a little elbow grease we'll get some powder flowing from plants grown on all those hot produced water lines and import a few Colombians to do the dirty work ...with towers mounted and trigger happy armed guards ready to shoot them through the hearts if they so much as take a piss without permission of course. Don't want them mingling with the indigenous population out here of naturally...

Of course I'll need an advisor when I become mayor and I think BN would do just a great job. Earlier tonight he pitched a grand idea to me ...a state of the art Whore House with 5000 square feet and 200 whores to accommodate the future budding population in our fine town. But what about the problem of gamey whores? No problem! Every morning we'll line them up lying down in hospital type gurneys their legs up in stirrups and get Glen S to apply some detergent to their naughty parts and steam them out ...a sluice trough built into the floor will gracefully carry away the waste sludge to be trucked away to CCS later. BN also advises that whore turnover will be frequent as their Vags will probably hang like the sleeve of an oversized suit after 6 months of hard usage. No problem. We'll just put them on a bus and ship them off to Edmonton and pick up new ones from the inner city on our way back replenishing our whore supply much like a baker who puts out fresh bread every day.

Naturally this will all coincide with a societal cleansing where all people I deem unfit are chained to engine blocks and dropped into Edith Lake ...boy there's sure going to be a lot of engine blocks at the bottom of Edith Lake! Hopefully attention from this necessary evil will be distracted by the building of a sweet new Casino built over the site of the recently constructed children's playpark. Don't get me wrong ...I really love the children, I really do. If I could extract their youthful exuberance through a very long and painful process into some kind of vitamin pill for resale I would ...but sadly I can't. But in the end the children are our future ...our future card dealers, our future Coca leaf pickers, our future crack whores to be steamed out by Glen S. I imagine that we'll call this town Utopia Hills after I'm elected next election...

I KInd Of Miss Those Bulbous Scabies On My Nutsack ...Anal Just Hasn't Been The Same Since I Rubbed Them Off With Compound W

2010-04-23T23:21:00.005-07:00

I feel a little remiss lately neglecting my little old blog. I like to think of it as a daughter of mine ...watching her grow like a proud father only to be disappointed years later when she becomes a crack whore rimming strangers in back alleys for pocket change. Tonight I was thinking of my status as probably the most accomplished and respected author in town and felt shame at the thought of neglecting my blog ...a wonderful gift to mankind. I was reminded of a young man who years ago developed some bulbous scabies on his nutsack. Sure nutsack scabies would deter most men from banging every down and out whore he ran into ...but not this man. He made a trip to a small country in Central America and rammed every poverty stricken fudgehole he could with his scabie infested genitals ...because that was his passion, bulbous scabie nutsack be damned. Sure a genital scabie epidemic ensued that resulted in a government directed euthanasia program resulting in hundreds of young whores being gassed in makeshift warehouse chambers to quell it ...but a minor price to pay for following one's dream.

JT's Anthology Of Incompleteness

2010-04-04T20:30:00.010-07:00

My goodness. Today I was thinking ...it'll be 4 years in May since I launched my incredible and groundbreaking blogsite! In that time I've accomplished many great things but as of late I feel like I've been neglecting the Blog. In reality nothing could be further from the truth. On many occasions I've been posting only to be disrupted by phone calls or urgent text messages ...I AM the president of the curling club after all. Looking back today I see an impressive body of unpublished work -And although unfinished it should not go to the wayside! Why, a piece of toilet paper that Shakespeare wiped his ass on would go for millions on Ebay these days. And come to think of it ...what did Shakespeare wipe his ass with anyway? Did he just drag his ass on the lawn like a dog? Toilet paper technology in those days wasn't as advanced as today so toilet paper as we know it today back then was inconceivable. Maybe he just let it all crust up on his ass hair during the year and break it off in the spring during the much anticipated English Garden Spring Festival to start afresh. Perhaps... But I digress. Please enjoy my ANTHOLOGY OF INCOMPLETENESS...

October 24/2009: MILF PRINCESS ...MY TONGUE LONGS FOR YOUR SHRIVELLED BROWNSTAR!

I can't believe it! I met the sexiest hot MILF the other night. It was such a random encounter. I met her just before midnight at the bar and sparks flew. We went out to my truck and she gave me a sweet, sweet blowjob while I worked a cucumber back and forth in her tasty ass as she worked my wang. But I didn't even get her name! She ran off just before midnight clenching my baby batter in her mouth while I watched her MILF ass running off down the street. It's just like Cinderella but instead of a glass slipper I have a cucumber which fits perfectly into the cornhole of my princess. (post interrupted).

November 28/2009: A POEM BY JT THE IV ...Esquire

Oh peanut butter on my balls,
you're the best of them all
Smeared on testes it will stick,
until my dog begins to lick
When her tongue begins 'a lapping,
I grab my rod and start whacking
In a dark room my mom can't see us,
so I work a finger in her anus
As she licks I rub her belly,
and work my knob to make some jelly (sadly ...post interrupted).

January 13/2010: NO PANTS DAY. A GREAT DAY INDEED TO SHOOT AND PISS ON HIPPIE RETARDS...

The other day I was reading about 'No Pants Day'. It was started about 10 years ago by a group with the aim of causing a scene and breaking people out of their moulds ...so attention seeking f**ktards go about their daily business and don't wear pants to attract attention. Neat...

But why don't we have a day set a 'Racial Slur Day' or a 'No Sexual Harassment Charges Day' to help break people out of their moulds or cause a scene? Everyone is so sensitive it'd be nice to just to have just one day where you couldn't be persecuted to let it all out. That secretary in your office with the fabulous rack and a face like J. Edgar Hoover? -you could finally tell her that you'd like to put a bag on her head and titty f**k her without fear of repercussion or bounce quarters off her next best feature ...her ass.

You could hop into a cab and say "Take me downtown Pakey ...and don't rip me off! I know how you people are, you're all the same". You could ask "What the f**k is up with that dot on your forehead?" or "Why the Hell do you have a bathtowel on your head?" or "Why the f**k do you all smell like the inside of my dumpster after a Bum has shit in it?". But this is all academic. Myself, I just wanted to hold hands with everyone and form a human ring around the Earth. Other people are not so enlightened as myself I suppose... (post interrupted).

January 21/2010: THE AGONY AND THE ECSTASY

Boy. This morning I felt something brewing in my colon. It wasn't nice. But it was one of those "...should I sit on the toilet and strain to crap it out or should I just wait until it develops nicely only give to birth to it later like a Pakey baby?" I chose to wait. Why try a wine before it's time anyway?

As it turns out I had to drive home from a meeting for 2 hours ...and coffee done strange things to a bladder. I stopped along the way to pee by the road, my bladder full and willing like the udder of a nursing milk cow ...but you can only push so hard! There came a point when I was on the verge of sharting my pants or planting a rosebud in my underwear ...but I still had to pee! Luckily I found a gas station along the way. I stopped by the bathroom and did some recon -it was empty, which was a good thing. Judging by my travel farts this was going to be a skeevy shit and I didn't want any collateral damage to the nostrils of wayward travellers...

I sat down on the toilet and punished it with a nasty number 2, peeing on the excrement with the joy of a youngster running under a water sprinkler on a hot summer day. In the old days I used to worship the 'No-Wiper' ...the sacred crap when you did (post interrupted).

February 8/2010: THE DANCING BITCHES

Boy I really got into it last weekend. To make a long story short I was trying to watch a nice concert last weekend only to have my view obscured by 4 dancing bitches. Being a gentleman my first thought was to go up and ask them to sit their bulbous asses down and stop shaking their lactating breasts for a while ...just a while... so that I could enjoy the show for a bit without having them waft the stench of skank my way. But being a student of WWII I decided to take a hint from the sneaky Japs of that time and do a good 'ol Pearl Harboring but instead of Jap torpedoes I'd use good 'ol North American Ruffies (post interrupted).

February 10/2010: I HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING MYSELF LATELY...

I'm not sure what's happened to me lately. To be honest I think that I may have suffered a minor stroke. The other day I was in the midst of a vigorous Whack session ...it was just one of those magical times when you lie on your bed flogging your knob for hours on end over and over again without a care in the world except for the necessary cleanup afterwards. Earlier in the day the secretaries at work were showing some serious cleavage ...I could only chalk this up to some sort of mass ovulation where they were displaying their goods in the hope of performing an ancient mating ritual. Naturally I became a little randy...

After I got home I let the Genie out of the bottle about 7 times and I felt like I had done some good work ...but my Wang kept calling to me in a distant yet clear voice ..."Touch me, touch me, touch meeeeeee...". I manned up and decided to give it a go for lucky number 8. Halfway through something popped in my head ...I heard colour for a few minutes and saw sound. A splitting headache ensued. Naturally I kept going until I was finished but I didn't feel quite right afterwards ...I still don't feel right to this day.

I don't quite know how to explain it ...it's as if this new brain damage has completely transformed me. Yesterday I was watching Ellen DeGeneres and actually laughed. Today I saw a supple ass on a 16 year old girl and my first thoughts weren't to put my tongue in it ...instead I wanted to warn her of the dangers of yeast infection from wearing tight pants. I see hot cleave now and can
(post interrupted).

February 23/2010: THERE'S A DECOMPOSING ASIAN HOOKER IN MY FRIDGE!

Say what you will about work at the 'ol company but every so often they come up with a grand idea. Lately they've been pushing for us to come up with goals to strive for to make us better people. Not a bad idea at all I must say. Thinking about this earlier today I decided that writing down some goals for myself in my personal life would be a great way to compliment the incredibly well rounded person that I already am. Why not?

Goal 1: Find out what's decomposing in my fridge. Could be that tiny Asian prostitu (post interrupted)

March 8/2010: JT VERSUS THE ANGRY BONELESS MUSHROOMS

Boy what a swell weekend last weekend was! Myself (The Gerbil Slayer) The Cobra, The Rock Crusher and The Donk all went to a major bonspiel and kicked some serious arse ...and what a fine time it was. We reamed out a few shitpipes and spread our DNA around in a footloose and fancy free manner, Gang Splashing unsuspecting naive teenagers along the way. Glad they should all be that the Donk chose only to Gang Splash them... (post interrupted).

March 3/2010: I SEE DEAD HOOKERS FLOATING IN THE MILKY WAY...

I've been thinking about dying again lately for some reason. The other night I stuck a gerbil in my ass ...the little guy struggled a bit and then there was nothing, he just stopped kicking his little legs and his heart expired. It kind of made me think about how fragile life can be while I finished whacking my knob with a dead gerbil in my ass.

But really, what's the big deal? We're all a bunch of Amoebas spread out in this vast universe ...and who cares? In two hundred years from now who'll care about the 17 dead hookers that the police will find in my attic in an impending raid in the future? ...nobody. So I say let it all hang out. Why not take the company truck and drive through a school zone at 100 miles per hour? ...you may take out yourself on a lamp post or wipe (post interrupted).

March 21/2010: IT'S EASTER AND A LADY A GAGA KIND OF DAY! AND I'D LIKE TO EAT CHOCOLATE EGGS OUT OF HER ASS...

This weekend is Easter weekend! Yes Easter ...a sacred time when our Lord and saviour Jesus Christ got rubbed out by the righteous Jews. Sure Jesus was a decent guy but I like to judge anyone as a person as a potential roommate ...and Jesus wouldn't cut it. He's kind of a whiner and a hippie, he's never been laid, he doesn't bathe, he doesn't work, and he's kind of one dimensional with all his God, God, God talk ...sure God is your Dad but will he pay rent for your hippie dumbass? Nope, not a Jesus fan at all. Don't get me wrong though! I'm happy for the Friday off commemorating the day when Jesus couldn't run fast enough to get away from the Jews ...I've already bought 5 grams of sweet coke for the weekend. Thank you Jesus! (post interrupted).

Silversun Pickups - Substitution

2010-03-24T20:59:00.001-07:00

My new favourite CD...

JT Gets A Pet

2010-03-12T17:50:00.002-07:00

Boy life sure changes fast. Some years ago I met a Cougar at a bar and ended up letting her ride the J-Train. Being a quick thinker I decided to fill her flesh curtains with my baby batter instead of frosting her face like a Krispy-Cream doughnut as is custom ...she was 46 after all with a dry vag that I had to lube up with Becel margarine from my fridge. Birth control wasn't an issue with her dried up old uterus I thought at the time ...so I thought anyway.

A couple of weeks ago she showed up at my doorstep with a small child. A retard to be exact ...my retard as it turns out. It seems that she couldn't take care of our little retarded boy anymore and needed a break so she tracked me down. Naturally my parental instinct kicked in! At first I was amazed that after years of drug and alcohol abuse my tadpoles still swan down her murky fallopian tubes ...then I was elated! I've always wanted a retard as a pet after all!

Before she left she told me his name was Jeff. No, that wouldn't do at all. From that day forth I would call him Lobo and he would learn to be my man-servant or face my bamboo cane. But I had so much to do! I cleared out the basement and borrowed a trough from a local pig barn ...then I bought some straw for bedding and cattled my little Lobo downstairs. But what an ordeal being a parent is! I have to get up every morning and slop and water him like a good parent ...but his behaviour is unruly and I find myself caning him more frequently then I think I should. Perhaps the salty produced water I give him from the field is contributing to this but I don't know ...I'm no scientist. I leash him and take him on walks everyday for exercise but he still poops on the sidewalks and I have to cane him some more afterwards when we get home to his basement dungeon. This is trying my patience a bit to be honest ...I used to think that having a man-servant with Down's Syndrome would be all peaches and cream but now I don't know. Maybe I'll just cut my losses and butcher his tender flesh in the Fall for sustenance. We share the same DNA and I hear it tastes yummy...

Iron Maiden Saved My Life

2010-03-12T17:29:00.001-07:00

Well there you go. Two days ago I was thinking of ending it all ...wrapping an electrical cord around my neck and hanging myself from a closet pole while I jerked off in one final monumental orgasm. But today everything changed! By divine intervention I got 2nd row seats to f**kin' Iron Maiden and the will to live is slowly creeping back into my body. The Lord works in mysterious ways I must say...

JT Enters A Masturbation Marathon

2010-03-11T18:25:00.004-07:00

Well it's official. Our mighty curling team lost in the playoffs last night in a humiliating game to a bunch of sub-standard arses who aren't fit to carry our jock straps ...but whatever. We're a resilient bunch and we'll move on. But what to do with my spare time now? Well I was doing a bit of research on the 'ol Net tonight and it turns out that there is such thing as a Masturbation Marathon that goes on in this great old world of ours. Neat!

And this is something that fits me like a finger in an asshole ...why I've been training for this my whole life. I remember when I was a tender young lad at the age of 13, so innocent and untouched by my own hands. One day my mother got a call ...my Grandma had passed on. The next night we went to the funeral home to mourn and exchange condolences. Maybe it was all the weeping and sobbing relatives or seeing a beloved family member lying pasty and motionless in a coffin ...but something made me a little turgid in my loins. Briskly I walked to the funeral home bathroom, my hand drawn to my wang like steel to a magnet and there I made sweet love to myself for the first time. Since then I've never looked back...

But I digress. I understand that the Masturbation Marathon champ of the world is a Japanese fellow that went for 9 hours and 58 minutes a few months ago. Not being a racist I see this as a challenge ...there's no way I'm going to let some greasy Jap steal my thunder! So the gloves are off...

So I've entered myself in an international Masturbation Marathon and my heavy training began today. Earlier I wacked off with a brilo pad soaked in hot sauce while reading 'O' the Oprah magazine ...afterwards I hopped into the shower and worked my Dong with shampoo as lubricant only to blow a sizeable bubble out of my urethra before sending some Fist Babies down the drain. And this weekend I'm going to dig up a decomposing corpse at a cemetery and I won't stop until I've rubbed out over it at least a dozen times or so ...I'm a determined man. Maybe it's just all the Olympic hype but I just want to make my country proud in a sporting event. I can see myself now on the podium, crying while the national anthem plays...

Ladies And Gentlemen ...Iron F**kin' Maiden!

2010-03-10T21:48:00.002-07:00

Sweet! Iron Maiden is coming back to our fine city of Edmonton on June 26th!! Needless to say when I heard the news last weekend my nipples stood on end like a teenage girls' on a frosty Fall day ...her hard nipples showing through a skimpy white t-shirt -maybe she thought the weather was going to be warmer that day and misjudged what she should wear only to show off some sweet teen nips for all to see. But I digress ...I'm a little excited here. Two years ago when they came the show was truly fine but we under-calculated the amount of drugs and hookers that we would need afterwards. I will not let this travesty befall us again, I swear...

My Oral Report This Afternoon Involves Little Oral ...Just Donkey Punching

2010-03-02T20:20:00.011-07:00

Boy I'm a good uncle. Today my little niece emailed me. Turns out she has to do an oral presentation tomorrow for her Elementary school class and she hadn't even started on it! The poor frantic child. I emailed her back and told her to calm down ...Uncle J will take of it and make everything better. Now I'm not naive or a dummy. I know parents help out their kids all the time with homework ...so I wrote up an oral report for her and tried to dumb it down so that even the most savviest teacher wouldn't know that she had some grown-up help. I know, I know ...it is cheating of a sort. But I have such a wealth of knowledge and I just wanted to help out the poor angel so much. Don't judge me for it. Here it is and anything short of an A+ will be a slap in the face of my fine family:

THE DONKEY PUNCH. An oral report by MT age 10
Good morning boys and girls and Mrs. Robertson. Today I would like to perform my weekly oral report on the Donkey Punch. The Donkey Punch does not involve punching donkeys because punching donkeys and animals is cruel and that makes baby Jesus cry which is bad.

Sometimes Mommies and Daddies do the Mommy and Daddy hug in their bedrooms when they are not wearing any clothes. Sometimes the Mommy kneels down on her knees like she is washing the floor like God wanted her to do and the Daddy hugs her from behind. Sometimes the Daddy hugs her from behind and puts his pee-rod in her bumhole to help save their marriage and make the Daddy happy and keep him from getting drunk in college bars on Saturday nights.

Sometimes the Daddy is not happy with the Mommy's bumhole because she experimented with black men in college and it feels like he is hugging a bowl of Jello with his pee-rod. So the Daddy punches the Mommy in the back of her head like play-fighting on the schoolyard except harder to make her bumhole tense up like when she was 16 and to help keep Daddy from getting drunk in college bars on Saturday nights. This is called the Donkey Punch and it helps the Daddy make vanilla pudding with tiny stork babies in it out of his pee-hole.

Sometimes after a Donkey Punch the Daddy will give the Mommy a 'Chili Dog with Sour Cream' or a Chili Dog with Sour Cream and extra corn' but I will only talk about the Donkey Punch today. Thank you boys and girls and Mrs. Robertson for listening to my presentation. Good afternoon.

Weekend At JT's!

2010-03-01T19:50:00.003-07:00

I was talking to BN tonight and he came up with a great idea ...probably one of the best ideas ever! Unfortunately many people in society today are low-brow cretins that do not encourage progressive and free thinking ...sad really. So not being one to offend the smelly ethnics or stupid women I will refrain from conveying this wonderful idea for the sake of decorum. I'm just that kind of sensitive guy...

But anyway ...on an unrelated subject. Wouldn't it be great to be strung up like a marionette after you're dead to party ON for a few more days? Bernie did it in the epic movie 'Weekend at Bernies' so why should it be so bad? ...I think it would be fine myself. And to be honest there are worse ways that someone could violate your dead corpse. Why you could be f**ked, eaten, jerked off on, or worn for that matter ...why not be strewn up in front of all your friends and adoring admirers for a nice time? Sounds ok to me...

But that's just me. Maybe I'd like to see more hot dead chicks at parties ...I don't know. All I know is that they're easy and with a little Vaseline and friction they start to warm up nice ...real nice. I suppose BN and I are a little too progressive for our time...

Me And The Donk

2010-03-01T19:00:00.003-07:00

Yes the Olympics are hardly even over yet and the world's attention has been shifted to another major winter sporting event ...the Slave Lake Oilmen's curling bonspiel! Unfortunately the Deathdealer can't make it for this one so we're left with a new spare to fill his place ...the Donk. Apparently me and the Donk will be rooming together for this major tournament. And since he found out he's been sending me all kinds of text messages ..."mmmmm, u have a perdy mouth :)" ,"...you gonna squeeeeeeeeal like a lil piggy next weekend!", "...ur buns gonna be buttered with the DONK DOG!!!!" Not quite sure what to make of the Donk yet but I'd be lying if I didn't say I was flattered...

But whatever. We've all been a little inspired by the Norwegian curling team and their funky pants from the Olympics. BN figures that we should all wear skin tight purple fishnets while Diesel D is kind of set on bright green Borat banana hammocks. Myself, I'm pushing for my old standby -a black leather assless Gimp suit with a floppy pink dildo strap-on ...comfortable yet functional. Oddly enough the Donk is siding with me on this one...

I Was Born A Stalker, I'll Die A Stalker ...Perhaps In Prison, But I Will Die A Stalker Nonetheless

2010-02-13T19:35:00.006-07:00

I'm just a curious kind of guy. As a child I was fascinated with clocks ...I was so curious as to how they worked one day I took apart all the clocks in our house piece by piece, gear by gear examining each little intricate part before putting them back together. Naturally I'm too stupid to put a clock back together ...so when my mom came home and found all the clocks in the house duct taped together she beat me mercilessly and locked me in the cellar with my inbred half-brother Lobo for a couples weeks. Not that I'm complaining about that quality time spent with Lobo but a lesson learnt is a lesson learnt.

So now I direct my curiosity in a more constructive way that coincides with my abilities ...Stalking! See an attractive girl at Tim Hortons with nice hair and an ass you'd like to eat chocolate pudding out of? ...Why not follow her home and dig through her garbage looking for discarded nail clippings and soiled garbage from her bathroom? And boy stalking is great. It's like achieving intimacy from a distance with a nice girl without the uncomfortable conversation or bothersome dating. If only ever bathroom in the world had an open window and a bush outside that I could pleasure myself in! I'm not hurting anybody ...I just want to have happy-times with myself while I watch random women take a skeevy shit from outside their bathroom windows. Does that make me such a bad guy?

Me Just Want Two Wrook Wrike Jwressica Awba And Wrin Me BoyFwiend Back...

2010-02-08T21:54:00.006-07:00

Did you hear about the Chinese woman who's getting plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba so that she can win her ex-boyfriend back? Apparently she wruvs him more than chicken fried rice and is willing to alter her appearance to look like his favourite actress in order to win him back. And I say good on her! It's about time woman started getting a little pro-active here. Why if all 14 billion women in China started getting plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba I might actually hop on a plane and visit that goddamned Commie shit-hole...

But I really have to admire this girl. Sure she's Chinese and they're all kind of wacky ...if the whole world was Seinfeld's apartment they'd be the Kramers living down the hall. They drive poorly and smash up twucks and eat parts of animals we usually grind up and feed to dogs, but you still have to admire them. And I think that it's great that she's trying to use modern medicine to fix a cruel twist of fate but I still have so many questions!: Will they adjust her sideways vagina to be like those seen in the Northern hemisphere? ...How will they re-position her anus as it's a well known fact that the Chinese have a Poop-Hole located just below their belly buttons? ...Will they be able to remove the glands located on her back that release a secretion that smells like prawns deep-fried in peanut oil? Well ...at least she's not a Pakey. Just try scrubbing that dot off a forehead. Believe me...

JT Wins A Major Radio Contest

2010-02-04T20:56:00.005-07:00

Normally I never win anything. But the other day I was listening to the radio and there happened to be a radio contest going on with a major prize. Usually I just poo-poo these kinds of things ...they ask things outside my realm of knowledge which just f**king pisses me off. This time was different though. Here's word for word from the transcript I requested:

JT: Hi! Do you have an answer yet for the question?

DJ: No. Do you know who played Colonel Robert E. Hogan on the sitcom 'Hogans Heroes'?

JT: Yes! Bob Crane!!

DJ: Correct! What's you're...(interrupted)

JT: ...he was a sex addict who hungered for poon and taped his encounters with random women until he was bludgeoned to death with a camera tripod and strangled with an electrical cord...

DJ: Ok...

JT: ...and the police found him in his rented apartment dead and covered in his own man-goo...

DJ: Uhhhhh...

JT: ...and he had a live gerbil in his ass. The police pulled it out and took it back to the precinct where it lived for 2 years in a nice cage only to be bought at a police auction by a gay Pakistani millionaire who was a fan of Hogans Heroes ...6 months later it suffocated in his ass and then they had a grand funeral in New York for it with ticker tape and bagpipes playing...

-Call Ended By DJ-

It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin...

2010-01-28T21:53:00.005-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about buying a house lately. Sure the 'ol townhouse is great, but it doesn't allow the ...uhhhhh ...privacy that I crave. The neighbours are always complaining about the smell from my gerbil farm in the backyard and I have absolutely no room for a decent hydroponics operation. I need privacy. Why if Jeffrey Dahmer had owned a house he would probably have got to make that sweet entertainment center out of human bones that he always dreamed about ...not that I'm any sort of Dahmer character. I'm just saying that wayward smells of rotting flesh tend to attract unwanted attention from the authorities.

But a house would be neat! The first thing I'd do is dig a 30 foot deep well in the basement ...then I'd invite someone over, drug them and lower then into it and keep them for days on end lowering a bucket full of lotion to apply to their skin a couple times a day. Of course I'd let them go after ...we'd have a good laugh, have a beer and then they'd be on their way. That's just the kind of practical joker I am. Although I would still long to wear their skins ...this is a line I would probably maybe never cross.

During hunting season I'd shoot a cow moose and take her calf home and raise it in a small room in the basement. After a couple of years it would get huge and I would sedate it daily with diazepam ...people would come over and ask "How the f**k did you get that giant goddamned moose down there?!" Then on New Years eve 2012 I'll throw a party and inject it with 500 grams of high grade methamphetamine and dissolve a kilo of cocaine in it's drinking water. I'll lock the doors from the outside and head to the bar for a nice night leaving 60 people trapped behind with a raging moose ...the horribly disfigured survivors would tell stories forever after about the incredible house-wrecker at my place. Yes, a house would be really swell...

I Want To F**K A Mormon

2010-01-27T19:49:00.006-07:00

There's something about Mormon girls I've always found intriguing ...they're kind of like a puppy dog, cute and cuddly but easily led and not so smart. The problem is that Mormon girls are harder to get into than a Jonas Brothers concert. Having said that I've decided to devote the next few years of my life to a new project ...defiling a Mormon girl.

But this won't be easy. I'll have to start going to Mormon church and their Bible studies ...boy it'll be hard to keep a straight face through all that banal crap but I think I can do it. After I've gained their trust and they've welcomed me into the fold I'll pick out some nubile 16 year old Mormon bride ...I'll tell her Mom and Dad we just can't wait to get married so that we can get started on some serious missionary work in Africa together! Naturally they'll be overwhelmed with joy and we'll have a huge wedding and everybody will be ever so happy for the wonderful union. Yay!!

After the ceremony we'll leave the reception to consummate our marriage at a $55 per night Hotel. As my blushing bride gets ready in the bathroom I'll slip a few ruffies into her warm glass of milk. Once she's passed out I'll crouch over top of her and take a crap on her chest and whack off on her feet only to pack my things moments later and catch a flight to Vegas where I'll bang some $10 toothless whores to celebrate ...a honeymoon of sorts. But of course I'll leave a note before I leave: "Sorry, made a mistake here, had to leave. It's not you, it's me. I'll txt you sometime and we'll have lunch! Love, JT". That should smooth things over...

Para-Fornical Activity

2010-01-25T20:24:00.007-07:00

Wow. I watched 'Paranormal Activity' last weekend and it scared the crap out of me. But you know, if I had an uninvited Poltergeist or Demon dropping by my bedroom every night I wouldn't invite a Psychic or Exorcist over to get rid of it ...they spray gooey Holy water all over the place and make a horrible mess and it never works anyways. No way man...

No ...I'd whip out my 2.7 inch wang and start whacking it. If the Demon started slamming doors and windows I'd just roll over onto all fours and put 2 fingers in my ass and work my knob vigorously with my free hand ...then I'd grab a gerbil (...from my bedside cage of course) and lube him up while the Demon acted out. "C'mon Demon", I'd moan "...why don't you spontaneously fire up that vacuum cleaner and have some fun with me? My inviting tongue wants you to hang out those hot Demon balls while I fist your ass..."

But that's just me. I'm no Ghostbuster ...but either way the Demon will leave or you'll have a phantom vacuum cleaner sucking a well lubricated gerbil out of your colon. I call that a win-win situation...

Let's Talk About Science...

2010-01-20T20:48:00.002-07:00

F**K! Sir Isaac Newton pisses me off. Every f**king Physics course I've ever taken goes on about Sir Isaac Newton this and Sir Isaac Newton that ...an apple fell on his goddamned head and he learned that things fall down. Way to go retard! But I never hear a thing about the inventor of the vibrating rubber vagina -you stick your knob into it and hit a switch ...and Bam! Xanandu. It's like Christmas and getting a blowjob from a faceless girl all rolled up in one wonderful package. Who cares about gravity when your blowing your load in a rubber vagina anyways?

Unnessary Censorship

2010-01-20T20:35:00.001-07:00

Ha ha ha!

The Greatest Prank Call Ever

2010-01-18T21:16:00.001-07:00

Hee hee...

Don't Try To Suppress My Hunter/Gatherer Spirit

2010-01-13T21:38:00.006-07:00

I'm a firm believer that if you can't kill something you shouldn't eat it ...if you're not willing to bash a baby calf on the head with a hammer and watch it convulse and bleed through the nostrils then you shouldn't eat veal. If you're not willing to wrap piano wire around a lambs neck and squeeze the life out of it you shouldn't eat lamb chops ...if you're unwilling to f**k a chicken in the ass to tenderize it before lopping it's head off with a rusty straight razor you shouldn't eat at KFC or Mary Browns.

And if you want to eat Panda meat then you should be willing to sneak into a zoo late a night while it chews on a bamboo shoot and cut it's throat from behind with your hunting knife and pull it's still beating heart out of it's chest while it bleeds out on the zoo floor! Incidentally next week I'm starting a new tradition ..."JT's Fabulous Annual Panda Roast!" and everyone's invited. There'll be baked potatoes, biscuits, macaroni salad and a wonderful Panda that'll be slow roasted over an open fire ...just remember it's BYOB and please drink sensibly! I just have to track down one of those filthy f**king Chinese mammals somewhere first...

I'm Getting A Little Teary Eyed Thinking About All Those Dead Hookers...

2010-01-12T21:40:00.005-07:00

Good news! I'm going to go see Guns and Roses on Sunday. But that's all incidental really. I was talking to the Bmo tonight and it turns out my 'ol roomie AF is going to join us for the festivities ...Yay! Knowing that I went on my old friend the Internet to search for escorts in Edmonton. Luckily I found a very large seasoned lady who goes by the name 'Hot Chocolate Knob Gobbler' who's not afraid to take on 3 studs at once -and there's a bonus ...she hasn't shaved her muff since 1984! A treat to be sure. She also assures me that she has an anus like an old west spittoon and a herpetic outbreak shouldn't be a problem on the 17th. Does life get any better?

But it's not just about ramming 'Hot Chocolate Knob Gobbler' in her gaping cornhole ...it's more about catching up with old friends. I imagine Bmo, AF and myself snorting coke of her ginormous black ass and then sitting by her fleshy stinkhole and catching up reminiscing about old times like old trappers sitting by a blazing campfire in the woods. "Hey!" AF will say -"Do you remember that time you accidentally killed that hooker with a baseball bat when you were high on E and thought you were playing T-Ball with her head?" ...and I'll laugh heartedly remembering the good old days. "Don't remind me!" I'll say ..."it took me all weekend to dissolve her dismembered body in the bathtub with acid and flush the excrement sludge down the toilet, ha ha ha ...oooooh, good times!!" Ahhhhhh ...I can just see it now. We'll be sitting up all night talking about dead hookers like a bunch of school-girls...

Cloudy With A Chance Of Feces

2010-01-12T18:05:00.004-07:00

Last weekend I watched just a great movie ...Julie and Julia! It's the true story of a girl who commits to try every one of Julia Child's recipes over the course of a year and blog about it. Eventually she writes a book about her harrowing experience that eventually gets made into a movie with about as much depth as the back of a cereal box. But once you get past all the banal pap there underlies a great moral ...you can write a book based on your blog and cash in on some sweet money!

But this got me thinking -I have a blog! Why don't a write an amazing book based on all my wonderful experiences over the past few years? I'll take all my postings and write a cohesive book that's bound to be a best-seller (Oprah endorsed of course...) and sit back and wait for the inevitable movie offers to come pouring in. No problem...

The book will be truly layered with over 200 characters ...midgets, raddy whores, gerbils, Steve, Pepper, BN, RS and a wise talking anus named Ted to name a few. But in the end it will be a story of hope and one man's struggle to overcome adversity and his adventures along the way while he tries to genetically cleanse the Earth and make masturbating on dead Mormons an Olympic sport. There will be tears ...there will be some laughs ...there will be a strong moral lesson at the end. Hee hee ...dead Mormons...

Firetruck! Saving Babies And The Elderly From Impending Fires In Exchange For Blowjobs? All In A Days Work...

2010-01-10T20:19:00.010-07:00

Neat. Today I was coming home from Edmonton and just happened to see a Firetruck for sale along side the road near Legal! Having a keen eye for business opportunities I stopped by and had a look. To be honest I always wanted to be a fireman but the IQ and drug test was always an obstacle ...it seems the fire department doesn't want coked out fire-fighters who are borderline retarded on the force. For shame! ...if I can't inject heroin into my dick then they can have their stupid Boys Club. Seems I'm smart enough to work a syringe needle into the vein in my knob though. How many Doctors can brag about that?

But a Firetruck! Being a bit impulsive (...let's just blame the FAS) I put a down-payment on her. Yes a dream finally fulfilled and I get to compete with all those fricken do-gooders on our local Fire Department. I can just see it now ...me in my polyester Batman suit answering a Fire call, floppy purple dildo in hand. A baby trapped in a burning building? No problem, I'll be ready to answer the call at all hours in my new truck, rushing in and saving the tot -the mother overcome with joy will re-pay me with a grateful blowjob ..."Just work the head", I'll say "The track marks on my shaft are very sensitive". And then after I blow my load on her face and hair I'll receive another call ...A FIRE AT THE OLD FOLKS HOME!. Sure I could let them all burn, and rightly so ...their ashes would add valuable potassium to the soil after all. But really ...how often do you get an opportunity for a gummer anyways?

I Have a Bad Case of Diarrhea

2010-01-03T20:35:00.001-07:00

What the f**k?

2009 ...The Year In Review. AKA: The Year My Truck Got Buttf**ked By The Yipper

2010-01-03T18:13:00.006-07:00

You know, 2009 was a really swell year overall. I got a puppy and taught her how to lick peanut butter off my nutsack and fulfilled my lifelong dream of jizzing on a turtle. In June of last year I overcame the Kit-Kat barrier and was finally able to work a fourth finger into my ass coming ever-closer to my dream of full fledged fisting. I overcame my crackwhore Donkey Punching addiction and fell off the wagon only once after a drunken incident with a house cat at a party. Also several restraining orders were lifted and I can now go for long walks at night comfortably passing playgrounds without having to look nervously over my shoulder for police or social workers. On the downside my truck was buttf**ked by the Yipper leaving behind nothing but a twisted pile of metal in a creek bed in a driving display rivaled only by a drunken Grandma . Ahhhhh ...but the Lord gives with one hand and takes with the other. Whatever will 2010 bring?

Stephen Lynch- Special Olympics

2009-12-24T18:11:00.001-07:00

Ha, ha, ha...

Getting Closer And Closer To Hell Everyday...

2009-12-23T21:33:00.007-07:00

Boy I sure would like to write something tonight ...but the well is dry, there's nothing to write about lately. The other night I was at BNs watching Oprah and she had a bunch of burn victims on. Naturally BN suggested that I put something about burn victims on the blog, but that seems just wrong somehow. Those poor people go through so much pain and suffering and being a God fearing Christian I just don't feel right writing about it. But on the other hand my Mom raised me to see the bright side of everything. Having said that I submit my list of the 10 best things about being a burn victim. Here goes...

(1) You get ALL the free Jello you want in hospital!

(2) You have sexy nurses applying burn ointment to your body several times a day. "No pubes down there either nurse, they all been burnt off!" Here's to having 1st degree burns on your junk!

(3) You can experiment with making homemade napalm at home and not have to worry about incurring further disfiguring injuries.

(4) Your Internet dating profile can say that you have "...striking and distinctive facial features" and you won't be exaggerating at all.

(5) You can wear a mask and a Ninja sword like Snake Eyes from GI Joe and nobody will judge you.

(6) You can use racial slurs like Chink, Gook, Slope, Pakey, Camel Jockey ...and nobody will say anything. If they do you can point at your face and say "Burn victim here!"

(7) You can take dance lessons and then go to a club to show them off. People will watch you and ask "...who's that guy burning up the dancefloor?"

(8) You can turn evil. People in comic books that get burnt almost always turn evil. Wouldn't it just be great to let it all out and skin someone alive?

(9) You can make a living touring High Schools lecturing about the dangers of fire. Just think about all the hot, naive and sympathetic teenage poon you'll meet along the way.

(10) You could make millions writing, directing and starring in porno movies where burn victims f**k midgets. There's an untapped market for this, I know it to be true...

Tiger And Me And Keith ...Oh My!

2009-12-22T22:05:00.003-07:00

How am I going to spend my holidays? -doing drugs and chasing stray poon with Tiger. This is a little known fact ...Tiger and I are pretty tight. We met years ago in an opium den in Bangkok and after being holed up there for the better part of a week smoking sweet, sweet opium and banging Asian Whoors for days on end we kind of bonded. It's hard not to bond with a guy when you're balls deep in the cornhole of an Asian hooker and his shaft is just inches away working her Mucker in an intimate DP. So the other day I got a call from him ...he wants to drown his sorrows in stray poon, and well, I think that's just a swell idea. I have duffle bag packed with high grade coke and we're going to bareback random sluts until the skin wears off our knobs ...along the way we'll make a stop in Australia and pick up my 'ol buddy Keith Urban. I hate to admit it but that guy is a lot of fun when he's coked to the eyeballs...

And A Merry Christmas To All...

2009-12-21T22:15:00.002-07:00

Yes I'm feeling quite Christmassy and wanted to wish a very Merry Christmas to all. As long as you have family, buttplugs, lubricant, booze, gerbils and jizz all will be right with the world. I think I'm going to put a buttplug in my ass and whack off on a gerbil by the Christmas tree right now. Maybe I'll squirt some testicle garland on it too ...I'm feeling that festive.

More Incredible Things To Do With Your Penis

2009-12-21T21:40:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I just need to remind myself that it's good to be alive. After work today I was sitting on the couch ...inadvertently I started rubbing my junk into a boner through my sweatpants. As it happened I had a pair of tweezers on the coffee table and a penny in my pocket ...I held the penny between the tweezers and heated it up with a Bic lighter for a good 5 minutes until it was searing hot and then branded the head of my Dong with it. Why? -I don't know. Would you ask a squirrel why it eats nuts? No, no you wouldn't...

The Hangover - Stu's Song

2009-12-17T19:05:00.001-07:00

You've got to like it....

Metallica - The Four Horsemen Live

2009-12-16T23:21:00.001-07:00

Christmas is fine ...but all that f**king music gets to me after a while. Sure Santa Claus is coming to town ...suck my balls. Thank goodness I found my favourite Metallica song on youtube ...it makes me happy in a way that fat elf can't. Suck my balls Christmas...

Burger King Christmas Carol Song

2009-12-16T22:56:00.001-07:00

BN sent me this haunting melody today ...you'll be singing it in your head all day! Would you like an apple pie with that?

JT Laughs ...Then Dances An Amazing Happy Dance Naked In The Living Room

2009-12-15T22:06:00.003-07:00

Yes this is the funniest cartoon I've seen since the Far Side...

You Should See The Gift Basket I Sent My Grandma...

2009-12-15T20:31:00.003-07:00

Boy I kind of feel like Santa Claus here. This year I finally get to participate in the office Chinese gift exchange on Thursday and I'm very excited! Tonight I was working on my gift box ...I still haven't got it quite right yet but I should have it all together for the big day. There's a bottle of booze, a copy of Brokeback Mountain, a turkey baster, a bottle of Polysporin Itch & Pain relief, a pair of surgical gloves, a roll of mostly used duct tape and a tiny pair of gerbil extraction pliers. Though there seems to be something missing here ...but what? Safety glasses? ...a red ball gag? ...a bottle of Ruffies? What?! I need some help here...

Moon 'Gets My Blood Boiling' Goodblood

2009-12-09T21:44:00.003-07:00

Ok. I watched 'Terminator: Salvation' the other day and got a bit turgid in my pants over Moon Goodblood. An overwhelming desire to stick my tongue in her ass ensued and I ended up whacking my Johnson vigourously until I splooged on my chin ...being a trooper I wiped it off with a Burger King napkin and went at it again. Naturally due to the reduced BUSP I only jizzed on my belly button the next time ...wiping it off again with the same soiled napkin I went after my purple soldier once more with my inviting hand. This time I massaged my balls with my free hand and gave them a good squeeze when I was about to let the Genie out of the bottle ...happily I jizzed on my chin again. Weird. But I digress ...I highly recommend this movie. 4 stars.

Exclusive! Nude Pictures Of Tiger Woods Here Only!!

2009-12-09T21:20:00.003-07:00

Boy I sure have been hearing a lot about poor Tiger Woods lately. And so what? He's a huge celebrity and he may have screwed around a bit ...big deal. If I was as famous as him I'd be humping everything I could with a pulse ...farm animals, cats, dogs, old men, hookers, librarians, anything. Anything with a hole that would let me mount it basically, warm desserts included...

But today I read that there are alleged naked pictures of Tiger floating around. Being a keen artist (...somewhat famed locally even) I decided to try my hand at a drawn interpretation to quench the thirst of the masses ...people want to see his dong and I just want to oblige. Earlier today I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what he might look like nude ...hung like a donkey of course and proud of it. Using my tried medium of ink and wax crayons I went to work producing yet another masterpiece if I do say so myself. The starting bid for the picture will begin at $10,000 and the auction starts at 9 am tomorrow. Have your credit cards ready...

Ding-Dong The Dodge Is Dead...

2009-12-08T20:49:00.003-07:00

And so ends another chapter. As it turns out the old Dodge won't get fixed after all ...an innocent victim of another senseless Yipping. But that's ok, I'll roll with the punches and move onward to greater things and bask in lessons learned ...like roads can be slippery, sheetmetal is crumply and creeks are no place to park a truck. I suppose we'll all walk away from this incident being wiser people. Well most of us probably will at any rate...

But I'll always remember the goods times we had together. Like the Tailgate days -Remember when I drove around for 6 months without a tailgate like an Alabama hillbilly? ...ha, ha, ha, such good times. Or that time I duct taped a dead hooker upright in the passenger seat just so I could use the carpool lane in the city? -As I remember it was a little gamey inside the cab but I got to the Spaghetti Factory downtime in record time for dinner. And I used to go outside at night and run a black light over the seats just so I could see all the funky patterns the jizz stains made ...it was like lying on your back as a child guessing shapes in the clouds during the summertime or viewing a Jackson Pollock painting at the Museum of Modern Art. But I won't live in the past. It's high time to shoot some tadpoles on the virgin seats of the spare truck...

JT Reviews A Movie

2009-12-01T20:31:00.005-07:00

Why the Hell didn't I hear about this movie before? Last weekend BN, JH and I were in Walmart and I starting scrounging through the cheap DVD bin like a crackhead looking for cigarette butts on the street. Sure the Walmart DVD bin almost always lets me down. Months ago I found a movie called 'Titanic' in it and what a flaming turd it was ...I could totally see the ending coming! Who makes this crap?

But 'The Ten' is a different beast, it's just a great comedy ...pretty much the funniest movie I've seen since 'Philadelphia' or 'Schindler's List'. It's that good. But don't take my word for it. I'm willing to lend out my copy to anyone who cares to drop by and borrow it. But first you must have tea with myself and take a tour of my gerbil farm ...and I won't guarantee that the tea won't make you feel drowsy and that you won't pass out and be violated by my gerbils only to be found naked and gagged on a side-street by the police the next morning. But the movie will be duct-taped to your face ...I promise. Please just remember to return it in a timely fashion.

When I Think About Christmas I Touch Myself...

2009-12-01T20:06:00.007-07:00

I'm a toucher ...I like to touch myself. Day or night, anywhere or anytime ...I'll find myself a quiet dark corner somewhere and whack it if the urge strikes and the urge strikes fairly often I must say. Why today I bought some frozen waffles and microwaved them ...then I mushed them together on a plate, covered them with syrup and f**ked the entire bolus. A surprisingly pleasant experience I must say other than the syrup and waffle chunks in my pubes afterwards.

But what does this have to do with Christmas? -Well Donna Reed of course. In the upcoming weeks they'll be playing 'It's a Wonderful Life' over and over again on TV ...and I'll be whacking it over and over again. Jenna Jameson? -Nope, not for me. Just give me some black and white Reed on TV and I'll be in a perpetual state of flogging my dong during the holidays. Just wanted to share that ...in addition to being a toucher I'm also a sharer.

JT Buys A CATscan

2009-11-30T21:11:00.007-07:00

Whoops. I was drunk the other night and went on eBay ...let me just say that decisions are so much easier to make when you're drunk. I checked my eBay account today and say that I'm the proud winner of a 1989 brand CATscan ...for only $37000! Whoops. So I manned up and straightened out the account. What the Hell is 37000 dollars for a world class CATscan anyways? That new house can wait for a while I suppose...

But there's so many opportunities here! Having a keen interest in Neuroscience I could scan the brains of horrible, terrible drivers and publish a groundbreaking study on what makes them tick. Hmmmmm, I wonder where I could find a horrible, terrible driver? -Surely not anywhere near me, that's for sure. Or maybe I could use it for the good of the country to help out a failing socialist medical system that has been nickel & dimed away by cushy politicians who dole out obscene sums of money to poorly thought out social programs designed to help out natives and immigrants? Nah ...I'll probably just whack off in it and see what the printout looks like...

December 23rd Lily! Daddy's Coming Home Baby...

2009-11-30T20:26:00.010-07:00

Being a great lover of animals I have a hard time expressing myself in words sometimes ...poetry seems to be the only medium that works often. Won't you indulge me a bit? Thank you...

Oh peanut butter on my balls,
you're the best of them all,
smeared on testes it will stick,
until my dog begins to lick,
when her tongue gets to lappin',
I grab my rod and start whackin',
in the dark my mom can't see us,
so I work a finger in her anus,
quietly she begins to growl,
as I spank her ass with a towel,
yet my balls she still nuzzles,
I have no need here for a muzzle,
soon I roll her on the belly,
and to the butter I add some jelly

Metallica - One

2009-11-27T23:11:00.001-07:00

Their first and best video.My family just plays this song over and over again every Christmas morning, such a tradition...

Perhaps We Should Consider A Bicycle As A More Appropriate Mode Of Transportation...

2009-11-26T18:58:00.004-07:00

One of my favourite movies in the world? ...the original 'Gone in 60 Seconds' from the '70s. Toby Halicki wrote, directed and starred in it and smashed up about 190 vehicles in the process of making the movie ...f**kin' sweet! Well poor 'ol Toby Halicki died in 1989 but his spirit still lives on in the Yipper ...being a firm believer in reincarnation I truly feel this to be so. I don't want to say too much here but let's just say I felt a little tingle down my spine and the hair on the back of neck stood on end when I handed him my truck keys this morning ...my penis shrivelled and crawled into my body cavity and a cloud of impending doom formed over my head as I waved helplessly while he drove off. I only wish I told the Dodge how much I cared about her before she left. On the plus side the tailgate is completely intact...

I Love Lucy

2009-11-25T21:16:00.002-07:00

I'm kind of remiss here -I have a magazine by my toilet that I've been reading for some time and it just happens to have a sweet pictorial of the lovely Lucy Pinder. Now I know that when you get a BJ from a girl while you're taking a shit it's called a Blumpkin -but what's it called when you whack off on the toilet when you're taking a crap? ...the Lonely Blumpkin maybe, I don't know. Cause I've been whacking off ALOT on the toilet lately and I'd like to know the name of the manoeuvre I'm partaking in...

Dead Hooker Theatre

2009-11-24T19:14:00.004-07:00

I'm actually an artsy kind of person ...I like paintings, sculpture, theatre, wine & cheese and in depth discussions on the futility of existence. And I write plays ...long thoughtful plays. The problem is that I just can't get anybody to perform any of my masterworks. That's why I'm taking things into my own hands. I figure with all the dead hookers floating around lately we'd might as well make use of them and string them up like marionettes to perform on stage ...why not? I'll call it 'Dead Hooker Theatre' and perform plays where the red light district meets high society in compelling plays acted out by dead hooker marionettes.

I'm shooting for a mid-January gala premier at the Keyano centre with a rousing production of my original play "The Grapefruits of Wrath" ...set in the 1930's depression on a Kansas farm where the devoted farm-wife Sissy conflicts with her alcoholic husband Orville and the dry, dry summers and harsh winters ...they both struggle with their long-lost love and fight to survive the desolate adversity that they face, but will they still be together after the hard times pass? Truly a story best told by dead hookers strung up like marionettes on a stage. Just give me a couple of dead hookers, some rope, a few volunteers and this whole things is a go. Time to bring some culture to this goddamned white-bred town...

Whack Off A Vegetable

2009-11-23T22:52:00.005-07:00

I was reading today about a Belgium man who got into an accident years ago ...apparently they thought he was a vegetable but as it turns out his brain was just fine and he's been trapped in a gimp body for 23 years. Now they have him set up to work a computer with his good finger and sounds like he's not too happy. Amazing.

And I see why he's pissed. He got into the accident when he was 20 and has been sitting around like a goddamned turnip for all those years. And he missed all those prime f**king years sitting in a wheelchair letting all that BUSP build up ...I just can't imagine. How can you sit around for 23 years without shooting off some tadpoles? -Sure Catholic priests try it but they always inevitably end up bungholing a choir boy ...it's impossible to keep those things bottled up, I don't care what anybody says.

But this whole thing got me thinking. There are literally thousands of vegetables sitting around in hospitals in North America ...are they being whacked off on a regular basis? If they're not they should be. So I'm taking the initiative here and starting my groundbreaking 'Whack Off A Vegetable' program. All I want to see is their basic needs taken care of ...food, water and hand relief. For a small sum every month a sponsor will be able to make a donation to get a Veg whacked off by a busty Asian ...perhaps on Christmas we'll get them a BJ with a finger in the ass too. Just call me the greatest humanitarian ever...